


lord of the dings

by barbatoslatte



Series: the RAT shows [2]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Cross-posted, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Lord of the Rings parody, Multi, No Smut, On Hiatus, Purge Night (The Purge), Satyromaniacs, Screenplay/Script Format, Suggestive Themes, The Ding, this is our most explicit script and it's not even explicit but
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:27:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29503389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbatoslatte/pseuds/barbatoslatte
Summary: The authors know very little about Lord of the Rings, so instead they decided to create Lord of the Dings, an extremely weird parody starring your favorite characters but ruined. Cross-posted, co-authored by my friend.(don't take this shit seriously please we wrote this when we were high on oxygen)
Relationships: Grandpalf (LOTD)/Gallon (LOTD)
Series: the RAT shows [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165814





	1. grandpalf the satyromaniac

FRITATA BAGGYS: so...

FRITATA: i was about 3 when i discovered my love for jewelry.

FRITATA: and i found out i was straight

FRITATA: but i was also gay

GRANDPALF: that wasn't the question you dumb fuck

GRANDPALF: i asked if you wanted a cup of noodles

FRITATA: yeah i dont care about noodles my jewelery thing is so much cooler old man

_fritata, flipping the table and walking straight into the camera making direct eye contact, breaking the 4th wall_

FRITATA: i have necklaces made of potatoes. want to buy one? go to fritatopotato.store.com

GRANPALF(mockingly): fritata potata

FRITATA: shut up you old fucker

_fritata punches granpalf in the eye with a potato. the potato sticks its roots inside and starts growing there._

GRANPALF: cant believe this shit. i was gonna ask you to come on some quests with my drug buddies but i guess you dont want to. now if youll excuse my potato eyed ass im getting out

FRITATA: wait you have drug buddies

GRANDPALF: yes

FRITATA: im in. i love candy dust

GRANDPALF: no we aren't giving you shit you just stabbed me in the eye

FRITATA: technically thats the potato's fault, i just hit you. it decided to lodge itself in your eye. by the way, if you are french and get sunburned, then you are a french fry

GRANDPALF: see this is why i don't take you anywhere

* * *

_later, in the back of an alley_

FRITATA: im so glad you let me come with you

GRANDPALF: (bleeding out of every orfice) i literally had no choice

FRITATA: i didnt even think it was possible for you to bleed out of literally everywhere. youre even bleeding out of your asshole.

GRANDPALF: this is the way of the drug buddies, boy

FRITATA: your (makes quotation marks in the air with fingers) "drug buddies" are two hula dancer bobble heads.

GRANDPALF: they're my drug buddies

FRITATA: we didnt even complete the quest because we encountered some thugs and instead of fighting them you threw the bobble heads at them, telling them to use their magic

FRITATA: and then the thugs threw powder at you and you just started bleeding

FRITATA: some magic those bobble heads did, huh. they couldnt even protect you

GRANDPALF: shut up you are young and foolish

_fritata grabs a stick and disembowels grandpalf._

FRITATA: eat an ass mr. old as grass

_fritata walks away, leaving grandpalf in the alley. suddenly a trash can wiggles. a purple dinosaur hops out._

BARBECUE: hi, im barbecue. would you like to eat beer bottles with me?

GRANDPALF: as long as i can bring my drug buddies (motions towards the bobble heads)

* * *

_fritata is on a talk show now with gallon, the host._

GALLON: so my precioussssss what do you have to say about finding grandpalfs body in an alley

FRITATA: well you see gallon, i was sitting there, baggytata sauce on my titties

FRITATA: when i found an old man in an alley and he was dying. he said his dying wish was for me to go on this talk show and tell his story.

_suddenly, grandpalf busts in, still bleeding from everywhere, followed by young barbecue._

GRANDPALF: bullshit! you wanted to go on a quest with me and my drug buddies but then you abandoned me after disemboweling me!

BARBECUE: i saw it too from my trash can!

_barbecue pulls out a torch from his asshole._

BARBECUE: BURN FRITATA BAGGYS!

_everyone watching the talk show starts yelling_.

EVERYONE: BURN FRITATA BAGGYS! BURN FRITATA BAGGYS! BURN FRITATA BAGGYS!

FRITATA: oH SHIT

_fritata runs, pursued by a large crowd holding pitchforks and torches. gallon runs up to him._

GALLON: i know a secret passageway out of here. just keep running straight forward, even if there are walls in front of you. 

FRITATA: why the fuck would i do that?

GALLON: do it or i'll eat your balls.

FRITATA: fair enough.

_fritata runs and runs straight through the wall into a secret passageway. he hears the crowd of people crash into the wall behind him._

FRITATA: oh my god

FRITATA: did you really make me run into a zoo enclosure full of giraffes

GALLON: haha now you'll never find the ding

FRITATA: the what

GALLON: oh shit that wasn't what you were here for 

FRITATA: no but now i want it

GALLON: no you can't have it

FRITATA: but i want the ding where is it

GALLON: no it's mine you bitch

FRITATA: what even is a ding

GALLON: i don't know it's just real gOODBYE

_gallon runs away with something in his arms._

FRITATA: dAD?

GRANDPALF: yES SON?

FRITATA: wait what

GRANDPALF: wait shit you didn't know

FRITATA: no i thought gallon was my dad

GRANDPALF: you thought what now

FRITATA: that gallon was my dad

_grandpalf whacks the zoo enclosure door with a stick and runs away through the bushes. the door flies off the hinges after a very long pause. fritata crawls out of the enclosure._

FRITATA: WAIT WE NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION YOU METH HEAD

GRANDPALF: I AM NOT A METH HEAD

FRITATA: YOU LITERALLY HAVE TWO BOBBLEHEADS AS YOUR DRUG BUDDIES I THINK YOU ARE A METH HEAD NOW GET OVER HERE

_fritata uses his long pinky finger to grab grandpalf out of the bushes._

GRANDPALF: what is that

FRITATA: it's something gallon taught me how to do when he was being a gOOD FATHER

GRANDPALF: HEY SHUT UP WHEN YOU WERE BORN I WAS CLIMBING THE SHIMMYLAYAS WITH MY DRUG BUDDIES

FRITATA: you were climbing the what

GRANDPALF: shut up i know geneology

FRITATA: you mean geography

GRANDPALF: no

_grandpalf suddenly splits into millions of tiny rats_

FRITATA: holy shit if he's my dad am i part rat

FRITATA: also how many rats had sex with my dad how many dads do i have

GRANDPALF: yes you're part rat

GRANDPALF: also who said multiple rats had sex with me do you think im a womanizer i'm like 800 years old

FRITATA: so do you just have a really small dick that fits inside a rat vag

GRANDPALF: one more word and i will vibe check you don't at me

FRITATA: did-

FRITATA: did you just say "don't at me"

FRITATA: also how did a rat give birth to a human baby

GRANDPALF: oh she didn't

GRANDPALF: the rat transferred the egg into gallon and gallon gave birth

FRITATA: how the fuck does gallon give birth he's a man

GRANDPALF: do you think i watched

GRANDPALF: because you're absolutely right i did

GRANDPALF: but my drug buddies were with me so i was high as a kite

GRANDPALF: so what happened though was that we forgot men don't have vaginas so what we thought was his vagina was actually his prostate

FRITATA: how-

FRITATA: how do you mess that up you're a dude also

GRANDPALF: am i

_grandpalf turns into a frog_

GRANDPALF: am i now

FRITATA: you do know frogs have genders too right

GRANDPALF: damn it no they don't son

FRITATA: put your hand down your pants. there's a dick. maybe. i'm still not entirely sure what you are

GRANDPALF: am i even wearing pants

FRITATA: i hope you aren't naked

GRANDPALF: hahahaahahahahahaha

_grandpalf steps out of the bushes_

FRITATA: OH MY DOG THERES NOTHING THERE

GRANDPALF: did you just say oh my dog

FRITATA: well i was told to never say the gourd's name in vain

GRANDPALF: the

GRANDPALF: the gourd

GRANDPALF: you mean like a squash

FRITATA: *gasps* YOU SAID THE GOURD'S NAME IN VAIN PREPARE TO DIE

_suddenly gallon comes charging out of the bushes holding a giant rapier. he stabs grandpalf where his dick would be if frogs had dicks._

FRITATA: you must never say the name of our gourd and savior in vain

GALLON: because in the end, we are all human beans.

FRITATA: now lettuce pray.

GALLON: ramen

GRANDPALF: what the fuck

_gallon and fritata bow, then speak to each other in a language that grandpalf does not understand._

GRANDPALF: what language is that

GALLON: it's anything but erglepinga

GRANDPALF: i need more weed if im to understand a word you just said

FRITATA: ffffffisssssssHfISHFIAHFISHFISHFSIFH

GALLON: boopboppflorpflop peiciesstickssss

GRANDPALF: sure

FRITATA: keepheepsstickssssboopFSDISDFISDFASHSAHSDF. na hdfsyeeetiummy jim

_gallon nods_

GALLON: he says that he wants you to pretend to become a lion in order to get us out of this zoo enclosure

GRANDPALF: you got all of that from gibberish

GALLON: it's not gibberish, it's gourdish, the language of the religion of the gourd.

GRANDPALF: wheatever. i'll pretend to be a lion i guess be grateful you hoes

_grandpalf gets on his hands and knees and walks up to the glass, where a ton of people are watching_

GRANDPALF: roar fuck me

GALLON: lions are not supposed to be sexy 

GRANDPALF: who's pretending to be the lion, you or me

_suddenly a lion walks out of a nearby cave no one had seen before. it walks over to grandpalf._

FRITATA: what's gonna happen now

GALLON: based on grandpalf's actions he will either get eaten or fucked. either way i don't wanna see it so lets get out of here

_the two of them run out of the zoo enclosure and steal some clothes from the zoo gift shop to disguise themselves. then they walk out and pretend to be tourists looking at the zebras_

FRITATA: honestly im worried for that sexy lion

GALLON: do you mean grandpalf

FRITATA: oh right

GALLON: you know he's not a real lion right

_fritata laughs nervously_

FRITATA: of course

_fritata heads over to an atm to take out money. he grabs the man in front of him and kisses his neck_

MAN: what the fuck man

FRITATA: now you know im not a threat. you're welcome.

MAN: what

FRITATA: haha plot twist im in the fbi

MAN: oh fuck

FRITATA: get him gallon

_gallon bends two sticks of celery around the man's wrists_

MAN: are these handcuffs

GALLON: shut up we're the budget fbi now get in the car

_gallon points to one of those[supermarket cars](https://sc01.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1GeRkKFXXXXXiXVXXq6xXFXXXI/6834405/HTB1GeRkKFXXXXXiXVXXq6xXFXXXI.jpg)_

MAN: when i was robbing that atm i knew i could get arrested but i didn't expect to be arrested by losers

FRITATA: call us losers one more time and we'll throw you into the zoo enclosure with the sexy lion

MAN: the what

FRITATA: yeet him in, gallon

_gallon grabs the man and naruto runs over to the lion enclosure. he then throws the man inside where he lands next to grandpalf and the lion_

GALLON: the deed is done now lets get the money before anyone sees

_fritata takes some money out of the atm_

GALLON: let's get lunch i'm starving

GALLON: can we go to chick fila

FRITATA: no theyre homophobes

GALLON: goddammit well how about kfc

FRITATA: im a vegan

GALLON: olive garden?

FRITATA: i'm gluten free

FRITATA: i'm also dairy free, nut free, GMO free, cholesterol free, a—

GALLON: so basically all you can eat is water

FRITATA: no i'm also H2O free too

GALLON: fuck you where do we eat then

FRITATA: well usually i eat my special potato chips

_he pulls out a ziplock baggy of things that look like flat styrofoam_

GALLON: those are just tiny shrimp chips and those are definitely not vegan

FRITATA: no look

_he pops one in his mouth and he blows up like a balloon_

FRITATA: helth

GALLON: what

FRITATA: herlth

GALLON: why are you aroused

FRITATA: im not really sure

GALLON: oh that's interesting

FRITATA: maybe it's the sexy lion. i dunno. something about him

_grandpalf waves his beard in the wind_

FRITATA: so magnetical

GALLON: is that a word

FRITATA: i should hope. i said it.

GALLON: we should leave

_gallon drags fritata out of the zoo. they go to a bank_

GALLON: hello yes i would like to open a bank account here

BANK WOMAN PERSON: i need a name and an ID

_gallon turns around to look at fritata, who is now chewing on a corner of the wall_

GALLON: he ate my ID card

BANK WOMAN: well if you can get it out of his stomach we'll accept it. take these laxatives

_she hands gallon some laxatives. he eats all of them_

BANK WOMAN: those were meant for your friend you idiot

GALLON: shit

_gallon shits a ton_

GALLON: no pun intended

BANK WOMAN: no worries this happens a lot

BANK WOMAN: CLEAN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR ALSO WE NEED NEW PANTS SOMEONE ATE ALL OUR FUCKING LAXATIVES

GALLON: im sorry there are gonna be a lot of clock parts in my shit so you might get cut

GALLON: my diet consists of grass, ass, and sledding fast

BANK WOMAN: where did the clock parts come in then

GALLON: all three

_the woman thinks about this. she is never able to figure out what that means and dies wondering 3 years later._

JANITOR: OH GOD WHY ARE THERE CLOCK PIECES IN THIS SHIT

GALLON: did you listen to a word i said you idiot sock

_he and the bank woman high five_

JANITOR: i don't get paid enough for this

BANK WOMAN: and you're not gonna either now clean up the shit

GALLON: you tell him lady

BANK WOMAN: thank you i will

JANITOR: wait why does this shit look like cotton candy

GALLON: well don't eat it whatever you do

_the janitor eats the shit. he drops dead into it_

GALLON: ew now there's human corpse in my shit

BANK WOMAN: CLEAN UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR WE NEED NEW PANTS BECAUSE SOMEONE JUST SHIT THEMSELVES AND ALSO CALL THE MORGUE THE JANITOR JUST DIED AND HES COVERED IN SHIT

FRITATA: don't worry i know what to do

_he runs over, pulls the janitor out of the shit, and throws him out of the bank onto the sidewalk._

FRITATA: the job is done

BANK WOMAN: all you did was throw him outside

FRITATA: your point is

BANK WOMAN: touche now we need an ID 

FRITATA: well i don't have one

BANK WOMAN: he said you ate his (points at gallon)

FRITATA: *looks at gallon* what the fuck

GALLON: sorry i had to make up something

GALLON: im addicted to laxatives they taste so good

BANK WOMAN: im addicted to cock

FRITATA: ma'am that's called mitosis

BANK WOMAN: i wasn't done. im addicted to eating cock,

FRITATA: still mitosis

GALLON: do you know what mitosis is

BANK WOMAN: i mean like the man chicken. that cock

_both of them look at her_

BANK WOMAN: not cock cock. cock. cock cock cock? 

FRITATA: is she having a stroke

GALLON: i think she's in heat

FRITATA: we should get her and grandpalf to hook up

GALLON: do you know how creepy that would be

FRITATA: look they're both hungry for sex i'm just thinking about what's best for them.

GALLON: ooh good thinking. this woman clearly wants some dick. i'll be back.

_he runs out and comes back an hour later, dragging grandpalf_

GALLON: lock them in a closet together i guarantee they'll fuck

FRITATA: will do

_fritata takes them to a closet but accidentally locks himself inside with the other two_

FRITATA: *from inside the closet* well fuck there's no doorknob in here i'm trapped

GALLON: hahaha bye bitch i'm gonna go eat some chick fila

FRITATA: homophone

GALLON: wh

FRITATA: sorry i made a verbal typo i meant homophobe

GALLON: oh ok

GALLON: bye hoe

_he skips out of the bank merrily_

FRITATA: wait come back they're doing sex on my foot

FRITATA: gALLON?

FRITATA: dAD?

_there is no reply, but grandpalf looks up at him_

FRITATA: oTHER DAD?

GRANDPALF: roar?

FRITATA: oh sorry you're not out of sexy lion phase

GRANDPALF: it's not a pHASe sON

FRITATA: can you bust me out of here

GRANDPALF: sorry i'm having sex on your foot

FRITATA: shit

_grandpalf shits_

FRITATA: nO i didn't mean liTERALLY GAAAAAAAUGH

GRANDPALF: soRRY i had to shit when i got here but gallon pulled me out of the lion enclosure

FRITATA: you are the weirdest person i have ever met and that's coming from someone who met gallon because he looks like a shriveled up lemon with limbs and a face

GRANDPALF: raWr

FRITATA: why are you still in the sexy lion phase why

GRANDPALF: i tOld YOu iTs NOT a pHASe sON

FRITATA: how are you talking and fucking at the same time

GRANDPALF: i'm old i have experience in this shit

FRITATA: you are the worst you are literally a womanizer

GRANDPALF: incorrect i am bisexual

FRITATA: a personizer

GRANDPALF: that's not a thing

FRITATA: well now it is

FRITATA: and you are it

GRANDPALF: are we playing tag?

FRITATA: sure

_grandpalf, still humping the bank woman reaches out to try to touch fritata's leg. fritata jumps backwards and the door to the closet falls down, exposing them to the light. the new janitor looks in the closet_

NEW JANITOR: well this is nice. can i have your job?

BANK WOMAN: no that's not how this works

_the new janitor wiggles his eyes_

NEW JANITOR: no i meant his job

_they all stare at grandpalf._

BANK WOMAN: sure he's a personizer anyways

NEW JANITOR: fabulous. get out

FRITATA: i'm leaving i've seen enough for one day

GRANDPALF: yeah i have too

_he rips out his eyes_

GRANDPALF: i like this better

FRITATA: i'm not even gonna ask

GRANDPALF: no please ask i want attention

FRITATA: no

GRANDPALF: pLEAse i want you to pAy AtTEnTiOn To ME

FRITATA: what if i dOnT wANt tO

GRANDPALF: fUck YOu bITch

FRITATA: bYe HoE

_fritata runs off. the credits roll!_


	2. bible emerges from the alive

GALLON: okay motherfuckers

GALLON: im using the ding power to change my name to jimmy fallon

GALLON: fally for sho

_fritata mouths "fally fo sho" with a confused face at grandpalf. grandpalf shrugs_

GALLON: sho is short for short

FRITATA: why would you shorten the word short

GALLON: because i can

FRITATA: but now you sound like a bad rapper

FALLY: no YOU sound like a bad rapper

FRITATA: i can't even rap

FALLY: now peep this new track i just created

FRITATA: oh for fucks sake

_fally starts rapping as techno music starts playing in the background_

* * *

RAP SONG BEGINS

**Yeah, yeah  
Ayo, neighbours, it's time.  
It's time, neighbours (aight, neighbours, begin).  
Straight out the pointless dungeons of rap.**

**What more could you ask for? The pointy leg?  
You complain about rain.**

**Yea, yaz, in a Skegness state of mind.**

**When I was young my second cousin had a drag.  
I waz kicked out without no tag.  
Ain't a soul alive that could take my second cousin's flag.**

**An entertaining rock is quite the stock.**

**Yea, yaz, in a Skegness state of mind.**

RAP SONG ENDS

* * *

FRITATA: what in the fuck were you wrapping about a skegness state of mind

GRANDPALF: what is skegness

GRANDPALF: what does it mean

FALLY: it's the ways of a rapper yo

FRITATA: get the fuck out right now

* * *

THEME SONG PLAYS

**once there was a bee. and that bee had a kid**

**and suddenly everyone was short**

**but if you listen closely**

**you'll see there's no actual rhyme**

**to this theme song**

_angry drum solo_

_theme song turns into rock and roll_

**FUCK A DUCK**

**THEYRE COMING FOR US**

**FRITATA**

**FRITATA**

**FRITATA'S BEAN**

**it's the wonderful world of fritata**

GALLON : wait i thought this was a show about a ding

THEME SONG ENDS

* * *

GALLON: so im back to being gallon now orange

GRANDPALF: why orange

GALLON: organ glad see me

FRITATA: im not sure if that was supposed to be a joke or what but it was executed perfectly

GALLON: i know im a perfect human being

FRITATA: i had no idea you were a human

FRITATA: also why wasnt the theme song in the last episode

GALLON: stop breaking the fourth wall. also i just wrote it in like two minutes

GRANDPALF: well that explains why it's shit it doesn't even rhyme

GALLON: yes i point that out in like the first five seconds of the song you ignorant fuck

FRITATA: i'm so confused what is happening

GALLON: puberty, son

FRITATA: wait this is puberty

GALLON: yes son soon you will start to grow hair on mister peen and your voice will get all deep

FRITATA: did you just refer to my dick as "mister peen"

GRANDPALF: and you say i'm the one on drugs

GALLON: by the way i wrote a puberty song

FRITATA: no please we really don't need anymore s—

* * *

PUBERTY SONG BEGINS

_ukelele starts playing_

**it's time for you to grow old**

**and you're gonna smell like mold**

**and you're gonna grow hair on mister peen**

**also use deodorant so your pits smell clean**

_rock and roll music starts playing; there is a very long guitar riff_

**ALSO YOULL DISCOVER THAT BEING A GUY IS SHIT**

**BUT AT LEAST YOU DONT HAVE PERIODS AND TITS**

**THIS SONG DOESNT HAVE RHYTHM BECAUSE A DIFFERENT WRITER IS WRITING THIS NOW**

**PLEASE KILL MEEEEEEEEE**

_loud drum solo that goes on for about two minutes_

THEME SONG ENDS

* * *

GRANDPALF: that was even worse than the theme song

FRITATA: is this becoming a musical

GALLON: no i'll stop now my brain is getting tired

FRITATA: oh thank god 

FRITATA: what if this turns into cats

GRANDPALF: like that scary musical where everyone is a cat

GRANDPALF: and they just sing about whatever

FRITATA: yes that 

_fritata pulls out a cat mask_

GALLON: why do you just have that

FRITATA: i don't know

FRITATA: i don't remember buying this

GRANDPALF: looks very sexy

FRITATA: are you still in your sexy lion phase

GRANDPALF: no i've graduated to my "cats in general are sexy" phase

FRITATA: you have a problem we should send you to jail

GALLON: agreed

GRANDPALF: i can evade the cops any day you simps

_suddenly the fbi bursts in and surrounds grandpalf_

POLICE: you're under arrest for 10 years!

_grandpalf pulls down his shirt_

GRANDPALF: maybe this could sweeten the deal

POLICE: 20 years!

GRANDPALF: fuck me

_the police lead him away_

GALLON: good god finally he's gone i'm so relieved

FRITATA: wasn't he technically my dad though

GALLON: yes but so was i

GALLON: i was also technically your mom too

GALLON: remember you came out of my ass

FRITATA: yes i remember seeing your large intestine 

FRITATA: i named it testes

GALLON: 

GALLON: nevermind

FRITATA: anyways i need to moisturize

GALLON: me too

_they look at gallon's wrinkly green body_

FRITATA: yes you do

GALLON: say that again you little fucker and i'll give you an antartican gobsmacker

_fritata runs away_

GALLON: that's right you little shit

_gallon grabs some moisturizer and does the moisturizing dance. not that kind you dirty minded fool_

_fritata comes back_

FRITATA: holy shit you look like a completely different person

_gallon's skin is now as smooth as a baby's bottom_

GALLON: new minute new me

FRITATA: that isn't how it goes but okay

FRITATA: also why is the saying "smooth as a baby's bottom." baby butts aren't smooth they're all covered in rashes from their diapers

GALLON: whoever came up with that was a creep

FRITATA: agreed

GALLON: well what do you think of my skin

FRITATA: you look like a really ugly green mannequin 

GALLON: perhaps i could be a model

FRITATA: yeah for a trash can

GALLON: do you want an antartican gobsmacker young man

FRITATA: bring it on

_gallon gives him an antartican gobsmacker_

FRITATA: im dead now bury me in the pond

GALLON: what pond

FRITATA: i don't know 

FRITATA: make one up

FRITATA: and put me in it

GALLON: is that ponds work

FRITATA: i dunno im not a man

GALLON: one, what does that have to do with anything

GALLON: and two yes you are i saw your peen

FRITATA: what the fuck man

GALLON: was i not supposed to

FRITATA: when is someone ever supposed to see mister peen

GALLON: maybe you should stop calling it that

FRITATA: no i won't

FRITATA: mister peen is hungry now

GALLON: for what

FRITATA: idk he says he wants burgers

GALLON: are you really communicating with your dick right now

FRITATA: hush im trying to speak the ancient language of the dicks

FRITATA: dickdick dickdickdick dickdickdickdick dickdickdickdickdickdickdick?

GALLON: what the fuck

MISTER PEEN: dickdickdick

FRITATA: he says yes he wants burgers

GALLON: i think you need to go to the doctor

GALLON: dicks aren't supposed to talk

FRITATA: they aren't?

GALLON: do you see my dick talking?

FRITATA: haha you hear dicks talking silly

GALLON: doesn't matter

FRITATA: do you hear with your dick like me

GALLON: what

FRITATA: i take it back you clearly don't hear anything at all

GALLON: excuse me?

FRITATA: shut up for a sec i need to ask mister peen a question

FRITATA: dickdickdickdickdickdick dickdick dickdickdickdick dickdickdick?

MISTER PEEN: dickdickdickdickdickdickdickdickdickdick dickdickdick

GALLON: what did you ask him

FRITATA: i asked if we should kill you

FRITATA: and he said absolutely yes

_fritata pulls out a desk and stabs gallon with it_

GALLON: wHAT THE FUCK

_gallon dies_

FRITATA: wait dad

FRITATA: how do i make a couch

FRITATA: how do i join the fbi

FRITATA: how do i convince john mulaney to marry me

FRITATA: how do i convince john mulaney to give me his dog

FRITATA: how do i seduce a frog

FRITATA: dad i have so many questions mister peen can't answer and grandpalf is being held by the fbi because his actor is pregnant

FRITATA: or something i wasn't really listening

FRITATA: daddddd?

_gallon is still dead_

FRITATA: nOOOOOOOO I FORGOT THAT WHEN I KILLED HIM I STILL HAD QUESTIONNNNNNNS

_fritata cries_

FRITATA: who is supposed to be my mentor now that gallon and grandpalf are dead

_mister peen awakens_

MISTER PEEN: well i can answer your question about john mulaney for you

FRITATA: go away mister peen

MISTER PEEN: you can't get him to marry you because he's already married to a wonderful jewish woman named anna 

FRITATA: i said gO AWAY

MISTER PEEN: bye hoe

_mister peen sleepkens_

FRITATA: sLEEPKINS IS NOT A WORDDDDDDD

_fritata sits down near gallon's dead body_ _. suddenly an old man bursts through the window, shattering glass everywhere_

FRITATA: wHO THE FUCK ARE YOU

MAN: i'm your cousin bible baggys

FRITATA: oh

BIBLE: i am a missionary here to spread the good word of the gourd

FRITATA: well you can leave i already believe in our gourd and savior

BIBLE: oh good

_he just kinda stands there_

FRITATA: are you gonna leave

BIBLE: well i heard you were in need of a mentor because grandpalf and gallon up and left you so here i am

FRITATA: by the way if you're my cousin why are you like eighty

BIBLE: because shut up or you're getting an antartican gobsmacker

FRITATA: why does everyone know what an antartican gobsmacker is but me

BIBLE: well i can't tell you what it is it's a secret 

FRITATA: then how does everyone know about it

BIBLE: well one day you do it on accident and suddenly a magical woman appears and tells you that you have just done an antartican gobsmacker and she blesses you with the ability to do it forever

FRITATA: wait for real

BIBLE: no

FRITATA: then how does everyone know about it

BIBLE: can't tell you

BIBLE: now do you have a quest to go on or something

FRITATA: not at the moment i was just wondering if you could answer my questions the only other living thing around here is mister peen

BIBLE: excuse me but what

FRITATA: don't ask

BIBLE: well ok what questions do you have

FRITATA: how do i make a couch

FRITATA: how do i join the fbi

FRITATA: how do i convince john mulaney to marry me

FRITATA: how do i convince john mulaney to give me his dog

FRITATA: how do i seduce a frog

BIBLE: to make a couch you google it

BIBLE: to join the fbi you don't because acab

BIBLE: john mulaney is already married

BIBLE: john wick will most certainly kill you if you take his dog

FRITATA: i said john mulaney not john wick

BIBLE: either way

BIBLE: also why do you want to seduce a frog

FRITATA: i don't i just want to know for fun

BIBLE: what kind of fun

FRITATA: as trivia for party games, pervert

BIBLE: in what scenario do you need to seduce a frog

FRITATA: i just told you dumbass

BIBLE: ok ok would you like a weed

FRITATA: do you mean like a daisy or something

BIBLE: dAISIES ARE WEEDS?

FRITATA: i dunno

FRITATA: do i look like i know about gardening

BIBLE: a little yeah

BIBLE: maybe it's the hat

FRITATA: i don't wear a hat

BIBLE: then what's that brown piece of shit on your head

FRITATA: that is my _hair_ dumbass

_he just kinda stares n stuff_

BIBLE: who who who are you

FRITATA: fritata baggys don't you know this

BIBLE: no no who is that

_he points to a random man standing in the corner eating a banana_

FRITATA: holy fuck

FRITATA: he's eating that banana so inappropriately

BIBLE: he's just taking a bite of it though

FRITATA: exactly that's wrong

FRITATA: you have to suck it

_fritata pulls out a banana and starts sucking on it with the peel on_

BIBLE: doesn't that taste awful though

FRITATA: a little 

FRITATA: but then you have to ingest helium right after and then you feel fine

BIBLE: where are you gonna get helium

FRITATA: the air is made of helium right

BIBLE: no

FRITATA: wait what

BIBLE: it's made of sodium bicarbonate

FRITATA: ooh fancy word

_he takes out a cotton ball_

FRITATA: now where is john mulaney i need to seduce him to get his dog

BIBLE: you know he's straight right

FRITATA: elephant drool is supposed to be straight

FRITATA: but it's curvy too

BIBLE: what

FRITATA: do you not listen

BIBLE: john mulaney is not going to give you his dog

FRITATA: yes he will after i use my master seduction tactics

BIBLE: like what

FRITATA: i'm gonna bite my lip sexily

_he bites his lip_

BIBLE: maybe bite the bottom lip instead 

FRITATA: oh wait 

_he purses his lips_

BIBLE: no not both at the same time you idiot just the bottom one

FRITATA: aren't i doing that

BIBLE: if im telling you

BIBLE: then no

BIBLE: you're just pursing your lips like a simp

FRITATA: a shrimp?

BIBLE: yeah sure

FRITATA: do shrimp have lips

BIBLE: i dunno maybe

FRITATA: that's hot 

BIBLE: please don't go into a-

_fritata has pulled out a shrimp costume_

BIBLE: why do you already have that

FRITATA: always be prepared 

_he throws a container of fish towards Bible_

BIBLE: what do you want me to do with this

FRITATA: put it on duh

BIBLE: how

_fritata sighs, picking up a fish. he stretches its mouth and stuffs bibles legs inside it_

BIBLE:ah what the fuck

FRITATA: this is how you put the fish costume on

BIBLE: but tHESE ARE REAL FISH

_he is swallowed by the fish_

FRITATA: well shit i didn't mean for you to go that far

FISH: *gurgles*

FRITATA: oh my god is this fish rue

RUE: yes i am a fish now and i just ate a man

RUE: but i'm technically a human so is this cannibalism

FRITATA: i think it might be cannibalism

RUE: crappity doo doos

FRITATA: you can swear right

RUE: not in fish form it's against ancient fish laws

RUE: the worst words we can say are damn and crap

FRITATA: what about ass that technically means donkey

RUE: not down in fish society in fish society it means wieners and that is a forbidden subject to speak about because fish don't have wieners

FRITATA: by wieners do you mean mister peen

RUE: whatever you want to call it

FRITATA: fish peeps are weird

RUE: fuck you you're weird

_fritata shrugs and swims out of the fish's mouth. fish rue dies. credits roll_

BIBLE: well that was weird


	3. the ding and the birth of kevin

FRITATA: i miss my friends

_he looks at bible_

FRITATA: or my family

FRITATA: my dads that aren't gay 

BIBLE: sure 

FRITATA: can we go find them

BIBLE: i don't know who they are

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: sure

BIBLE: did you just answer yourself for me

FRITATA: yes

BIBLE: what the fuck is up with you are you on drugs

FRITATA: i was born smoking crack bible

BIBLE: how do you remember being born

FRITATA: i came out of gallon's prostate i think i'd remember that

BIBLE: so

BIBLE: so you basically came out of gallon's ass

FRITATA: well i guess so

BIBLE: hOW THE FUCK

FRITATA: this is lord of the dings bible nothing makes sense here

BIBLE: true true

_the two of them decided to journey yonder to find the ding because otherwise this show's name wouldnt make sense_

BIBLE: i like the city it's very bustling

FRITATA: bible this is a cemetery

FRITATA: these are graves

BIBLE: but there are people walking around

FRITATA: what

_corpses rise from the grave and start jiggling_

BIBLE: see

FRITATA: that is not walking and also what the fuck

BIBLE: it is too walking you are just smallminded

_bible reaches into fritata's ear and pulls out his brain_

BIBLE: see? it is small

FRITATA: give that back you shitshaker

BIBLE: what's a shit shaker

FRITATA: its when you shake your shit all around

BIBLE: why would anyone do that

FRITATA: to get the shit off their ass of course

BIBLE: are you speaking from experience

FRITATA:

FRITATA: maybe

BIBLE: you are the weirdest cousin i have and that's saying something

FRITATA: i'm honored

BIBLE: anyways watch this

_he whistles. suddenly a ton of corpses start walking towards them_

FRITATA: what the hell did you do?

BIBLE: no i might have lung cancer

FRITATA: oh thank god

FRITATA: wait no we're not quoting john mulaney right now i meant as in what did you just do

BIBLE: oh i called over my friends so we could have a party

FRITATA: i don't want to have a party

BIBLE: too bad.

_one of the corpses, a pretty blonde one with pointy ears, steps up_

ELF CORPSE: bible when's the party starting?

BIBLE: soon we're just waiting for geralt and jaskier

FRITATA: wait is this now a crossover between lotd and the witcher

BIBLE: stop breaking the fourth wall

FRITATA: who even is this elf corpse

BIBLE: oh this? this is leglegs

LEGLEGS: hi

FRITATA: i like your legs

_the camera pans down to legleg's legs. he has none. he just hops on his waist_

LEGLEGS: was that an insult

FRITATA: no i just didn't see below your neck

LEGLEGS: i'm going to pretend i didn't hear that

_suddenly two ghosts appear_

BIBLE: finally geralt and jaskier have arrived now we can party

_colorful lights start flashing and all of the corpses start dancing erratically_

BIBLE: HELL YEAH

FRITATA: are you all on crack

BIBLE: maybe

BIBLE: except for the ghosts they can't do drugs or eat or drink

_fritata waves at geralt and jaskier. they flip him off_

FRITATA: well that was rude

FRITATA: also why are they referred as "geralt and jaskier"

FRITATA: are they one being

BIBLE: yes they are 

_geralt and jaskier suddenly morph into one ghost_

BIBLE: it's grass skier

GRASS SKIER: fuck off bible i'm not religious

BIBLE: neither am i

GRASS SKIER: but

BIBLE: don't be racist

FRITATA: i don't think that how that works

BIBLE: okay

FRITATA: what is racism

BIBLE: it's prejudice against nascar drivers

FRITATA: i don't think that's what it is

BIBLE: then why did you a s k

FRITATA: to see if you knew

BIBLE: oh

BIBLE: well

FRITATA: what is sexism

BIBLE: it is prejudice against sexual intercourse

FRITATA: no

FRITATA: what is homophobia

BIBLE: the fear of homes

FRITATA: what is going on inside your brain

BIBLE: nothing i constantly bluescreen

FRITATA: that makes sense

FRITATA: so what do you think sex is

BIBLE: it's when you lick your finger and stick it in your dick

FRITATA: 

FRITATA: how

FRITATA: why

FRITATA: in what way

FRITATA: **_why_**

BIBLE: sex hurts

FRITATA: oh my god

FRITATA: you know that's not how

FRITATA: you know what

FRITATA: ok

FRITATA: im done here

BIBLE: oh

_fritata walks away, swaying his hips_

BIBLE: damn your hips don't lie

FRITATA: i know dummy

BIBLE: where are you going?

FRITATA: i don't know

FRITATA: the batcave

BIBLE: 

_fritata runs into a cave, where he finds a rubber dick_

FRITATA: why

FRITATA: im giving up on life

FRITATA: wait is this the ding

_the rubber dick shakes, and a white ghost crawls out of the tip of the dick_

WHITE GHOST: heya i'm semen

FRITATA: okay

SEMEN: i am the protector of the dong

FRITATA: okay

FRITATA: so this isn't the ding

SEMEN: no this is the dong

FRITATA: damn it i was really looking forwards to finding out what it is so i can unhinge my jaw and eat it

SEMEN: if i told you this was the ding would you unhinge your jaw and eat this rubber dick

FRITATA: yeah man

SEMEN: well im glad this isn't the ding or else i'd have to be shat out

FRITATA: wouldn't i digest you

SEMEN: no i am gay

FRITATA: and

SEMEN: gay people are immortal

FRITATA: okay

SEMEN: so where the fuck are we

_they look around. they are in a dark cave. fluids drip off of rocks and there is a man holding a large purple rubber dick in the middle of it_

FRITATA: well

FRITATA: we are in PCPTOWNE

SEMEN: do you have any 

FRITATA: what

SEMEN: PCP

FRITATA: no but my dad grandpalf would have some

SEMEN: your dad

SEMEN: grandpalf

FRITATA: he's my biological dad

FRITATA: he had the sperm

FRITATA: but gallon-

SEMEN: don't say his name

FRITATA: why

SEMEN: he killed my family

SEMEN: and trapped me in this rubber dick

FRITATA: oh gourd

SEMEN: you know of the gourd?

FRITATA: yes i am a child of the gourd

SEMEN: oh me too high five dude

_they high five_

FRITATA: so simon

SEMEN: semen

FRITATA: so segment, im looking for the magical ding. maybe you could help me find it

SEMEN: sure i can

SEMEN: i once heard a legend that there was a shiny shiny ding farther into this cave, but you have to answer the riddles of a beast

FRITATA: bring it on bitch i love riddles

_they walk further into the cave and spot a hot dog that is very shiny_

SEMEN: thats it thats the ding

FRITATA: hm. ok

_he tries to grab it but is stopped by a goblin_

GOBLIN: hii hii i im mikkil jicksin ind ti tike my ding yii mist insir my riddlis

FRITATA: what

SEMEN: this is igglis. all of his vowels are i. he said "hee hee i am mikkil jickson and to take my ding you must answer my riddles"

FRITATA: oh ok bring it on

IGGLIS: i hivi fivi fiit. whit inimil im i

SEMEN: "i have five feet. what animal am i"

FRITATA: what kind of a riddle is this bullshit that was two sentences long

SEMEN: its a human with an extra leg

IGGLIS: cirrict

FRITATA: what the fuck how was that correct

IGGLIS: nixt riddli

IGGLIS: i smiki kids ind i hivi biny tiis. whit im i 

SEMEN: "i smoke kids and i have bony toes. what am i"

FRITATA: again, what the fuck is this bullshit

SEMEN: a karen with two ks

IGGLIS: cirrict

FRITATA: wHAt

IGGLIS: list riddli

IGGLIS: biits. whit im i

SEMEN: "beets. what am i"

FRITATA: hOW--

SEMEN: by dree

IGGLIS: cirrict. yii miy hivi thi ding

_fritata tries to grab it, but igglis slaps him_

IGGLIS: you didnt answer any of the riddles you fuck

FRITATA: well they were impossible riddles

IGGLIS: and yet they were solved

FRITATA: by someone who has been trapped in a purple rubber dick for years

FRITATA: wait you're speaking normally now

IGGLIS: yeah the languages of is was only for the riddles to see if you were truly worthy of the ding

IGGLIS: you are not

FRITATA: hEY

SEMEN: i'll take the ding now thanks

_semen takes the ding and speeds away_

FRITATA: wAIT THATS SUPPOSED TO BE MINE

_he chases after semen but semen enters the rubber dick. suddenly gallon appears and swallows the dick whole_

FRITATA: NO HE HAD THE DING

GALLON: don't worry i know what i'm doing

_he shits out the shiny hot dog_

GALLON: i have ding filters in my ass

FRITATA: how the fuck

FRITATA: well this ding is mine now

_he picks it up and puts it in his pocket_

GALLON: what are you gonna do with the ding

FRITATA: dunno what did they do in lord of the rings

GALLON: hold on let me see

_he shits out a lord of the rings book and flips through it_

GALLON: wait it says that the ring gives you invisibility

_fritata puts the ding on his finger_ _. he stays visible_

GALLON: guess its a ring of visibility then

_he reads some more_

GALLON: oh wait apparently frodo's quest was to destroy the ring

FRITATA: but

FRITATA: we came all this way 

FRITATA: only to destroy it?

GALLON: yes it was created by that big red eyed monster guy in order to control people with it and if you destroy the ring you destroy him

FRITATA: but we haven't met any big red eyed monster guys

GALLON: hm

_he reads some more_

GALLON: the only way to destroy it is to drop it into a volcano

FRITATA: does this look like hawaii to you buckaroo

GALLON: well let's go find a volcano

FRITATA: damn it would sure be helpful if we had grandpalf with us doesnt he know magic

GALLON: the only magic he knows is throwing his drug buddies at people

FRITATA: oh right i forgot about his drug buddies

FRITATA: wait in this lord of the rings a creepy guy named gollum tries to steal the ring

GALLON:

FRITATA:

FRITATA: gallon sounds a lot like gollum

GALLON: shut up im your dad

FRITATA: boogie woogie woogie

GALLON: i've taught you well

FRITATA: you've been in my life for like three days

GALLON: doesn't matter

FRITATA: anyways gimme the ding

GALLON: no

FRITATA: yes

GALLON: never it's my precious

FRITATA: oh god

GALLON: oh gourd you mean

FRITATA: right

FRITATA: im sorry i have sinned

_fritata suddenly pulls out a knife and stabs gallon in the tit._

FRITATA: sorry dad but i need the ding 

GALLON: NOOOOO NOT MY DING

_gallon pulls out the knife and stabs fritata in the neck_

FRITATA: what the fuck why'd you do that

GALLON: sorry dude but you were gonna take my ding

FRITATA: jesus dude it's a shiny hot dog what is so special about it

GALLON: it just feels nice

FRITATA: oh my gourd

FRITATA: it's a vibrator isn't it

GALLON: no

GALLON: possibly

GALLON: shut up

FRITATA: ew

FRITATA: also how

GALLON: im a hermaphrodite

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: is that why you were able to lay egg me

GALLON: sure

FRITATA: i don't like that you said sure

GALLON: what was i supposed to say

GALLON: "yes son it is the reason i was able to shit out you as an egg"

FRITATA: well thats basically the same thing but longer

GALLON: oop im shitting out another egg

_he shits out an egg_

FRITATA: oh my god im going to be a big brother

_gallon wipes away a tear as the egg wiggles and starts to crack_

GALLON: my beautiful child

_suddenly another hobbit pops out of the egg_

KEVIN: hello i am kevin baggys get to del taco they got fre sha voca do

FRITATA: oh my god no

FRITATA: why is he the only one with a human name

KEVIN: because im a bad bitch you cant kill me

FRITATA: do you just quote vines

KEVIN: sometimes i quote john mulaney

GALLON: what a perfect child

_kevin flips off gallon_

KEVIN: stop snitchin motherfucker

GALLON: what a beautiful baby boy

FRITATA: are there no women in this story at all i want a girlfriend

GALLON: would you like me to shit out a girlfriend

FRITATA: no that's incest

GALLON: hm

GALLON: well how about we go on a journey to kidnap a pretty lady for you

GALLON: kevin can come with us too he needs to see the world

FRITATA: sounds good with me

 _the three of them go on a journey to kidnap a pretty lady for fritata_.

_roll credits_

FRITATA: so how do we kidnap this woman

GALLON: well i'll teach ya

_gallon does a little dance_

FRITATA: why do i hang out with you


	4. getting a pretty lady

_the trio stops at a bar_

GALLON: so we need to creep into the bar

GALLON: and when the board creaks, you need to spit in the can

GALLON: and act like you're a mysterious tall dark and sexy stranger

FRITATA: i have the perfect outfit

_cut to fritata, who is wearing a green cardigan_

GALLON: we may need to change you a little

FRITATA: what 

FRITATA: aren't i tall and sexy enough

GALLON: you're like 4'11

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: you're not tall either

GALLON: but im not the one who can't get a girlfriend

FRITATA: well

KEVIN: wait i have a sexy outfit

_he pulls out a clown costume_

KEVIN: this will get all the ladies

FRITATA: you genius you

_he puts on the clown costume_

GALLON: now walk into that bar and get a woman

KEVIN: we believe in you

FRITATA: i radiate confidence

_he walks into the bar and spots a pretty lady. he walks over to her_

FRITATA: hey sexy

_the board creaks and he spits into a can_

LADY: sorry i only date guys who are taller than 4'11

FRITATA: fuck

_he leaves the bar_

FRITATA: we need to change my height to at least five foot

KEVIN: dont worry i got you

_he produces five shoes_

KEVIN: now you have five feet

FRITATA: perfect

_he walks back in and sees another woman_

FRITATA: what's up girl how you bean

LADY: my name is jennie and i am not a bean

FRITATA: i meant how you been

_the board creaks and he spits into another can_

JENNIE: what the fuck

FRITATA: so

FRITATA: wanna have sex

JENNIE: no

FRITATA: k bye

_fritata moves on to the next woman_

FRITATA: howdy im fritata

WOMAN: im jessica

FRITATA: wanna have sex?

JESSICA: how big is your dick

FRITATA: it's fucking huge

JESSICA: then yes

_fritata turns around and winks at gallon and kevin, who are in the doorway_

JESSICA: who did you just wink at

FRITATA: uhhh no one ell oh ell

JESSICA: did you just say "lol" out loud

FRITATA: n o

KEVIN: it's perfume

FRITATA: not now kevin

FRITATA: i still have no idea how you can speak

FRITATA: you dont even have a mouth

KEVIN: i'm speaking telepathically

FRITATA: i don't believe you

KEVIN: i can also read minds

FRITATA: i still don't believe you

KEVIN: i'll read your mind right now

_he puts his hands on his temples_

KEVIN: bro what the fuck

FRITATA: what

KEVIN: why the fuck are you thinking about having sex with gallon

FRITATA: uH

GALLON: excuse me

JESSICA: what is happening

FRITATA: secret threesome bye

JESSICA: wait i was down

GALLON: when am i not down for anything

JESSICA: no i didn't consent

GALLON: oh fuck fritats boy jessica didn't consent

FRITATA: did you just call me fritats boy

GALLON: yes

KEVIN: what the fuck is happening

KEVIN: i hate all of you

KEVIN: im going to drink myself to death

_he downs a cup of water and hits the floor_

GALLON: holy shit i think the water killed him

FRITATA: how it's not even alcoholic

JESSICA: oh that was spicy water

FRITATA: wh

JESSICA: vodka

GALLON: NO YOU EVIL WOMAN

GALLON: KEVIN IS ALLERGIC TO VODKA

GALLON: YOU ARE A MURDERER

JESSICA: wait what did i do

GALLON: YOU- actually wait it's not your vodka

JESSICA: no it's not i can't legally drink

FRITATA: then why are you here

JESSICA: i illegally drink

FRITATA: you look over the age of 21 why can't you drink

JESSICA: im too old

JESSICA: im 22

FRITATA: oh god a youth

JESSICA: w H A T

FRITATA: you heard me

_jessica throws vodka on him_

JESSICA: I QUIT

FRITATA: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU QUITTING

JESSICA: I DONT KNOW

GALLON: let's get out of here

_he pulls fritata out of the bar and into a car, where kevin is sitting in the driver's seat_

FRITATA: wait a minute i thought you died

GALLON: i'm controlling his corpse

_he pulls on some puppet strings and kevin's corpse hits the gas pedal. they go speeding away from the bar_

FRITATA: did you turn kevin into a marionette puppet

GALLON: yeah i can still get some use out of him oH SHIT TURN LEFT TURN LEFT

_because kevin cannot turn left, the car hits a building and smashes the window_

FRITATA: FUCK WE'RE GONNA BE WANTED FOR VANDALISM LETS FLEE THE SCENE BEFORE SOMEONE CALLS THE COPS

_fritata jumps out the car and runs, followed closely by gallon. suddenly they are stopped by grandpalf_

GRANDPALF: you just smashed your car into my pottery shop i am calling the police

FRITATA: wait you own a pottery shop

GALLON: i didnt even know your wrinkly old hands could do anything other than sex

GRANDPALF: excuse me

GALLON: nothing

FRITATA: hey dad?

_grandpalf and gallon turn their heads toward him_

GRANDPALF AND GALLON: yES SON?

FRITATA: not you the other one

GALLON: the other one?

_fritata points behind them. they turn around and see a very tall skeleton running towards them_

SKELETON: *panting* hello son

FRITATA: yay dad

GRANDPALF: who the fuck is this and why are you claiming to be the dad of my son

GALLON: you mean

GALLON: _our_ son

_the soviet anthem starts playing_

GALLON: cоюз нерушимый республик свободных!!!

GRANDPALF: sTOP THAT MUSIC

_record scratch_

GRANDPALF: there we go

SKELETON: my name is cactus

FRITATA: i thought your name was dad

FRITATA: you always said your legal name was dad

CACTUS: sorry son i lied to you

_the soviet anthem starts playing again_

GALLON: cоюз нерушимый республик свободных!!!

FRITATA: didn't you just sing that

_gallon hits the wall, causing the music to stop_

GRANDPALF: SHUT THE FUCK UP GALLON

GALLON: Прости

CACTUS: is he russian

FRITATA: i don't know i don't even know what creature he is actually

GALLON: i'm a stoor hobbit

FRITATA: wait so you're a hobbit like me

GALLON: yeah

FRITATA: hell yeah

CACTUS: im a hobbit skeleton

FRITATA: no you're too tall to be a hobbit

CACTUS: don't be heightist son that's rude

FRITATA: you're rude

CACTUS: no im cactus

FRITATA: FUCK YOU

CACTUS: unless you want spines inside of you i'd suggest not boning my cactusy skelly dick

GRANDPALF:

GRANDPALF: sounds hot

CACTUS: woah really

GRANDPALF: yeah let's do it

_cactus and grandpalf head into the broken pottery shop. soon there are faint moaning noises in the background_

GALLON: uh let's go

_he grabs kevin's dead body and slings it over his shoulder_

FRITATA: could you not bring that it smells really bad

GALLON: really?

_he smells it_

GALLON: it smells like avocados

FRITATA: i hate avocados

GALLON: im disowning you

FRITATA: you never owned me in the first place

GALLON: yes i did you're not even legally 18 yet

FRITATA: im sorry what

GALLON: yeah I lied to you about your birthday 

GALLON: you were born eight years ago

GALLON: ich möge Käse 

FRITATA: what

GALLON: you'll understand when you're older

_gallon pulled out a scooter and scooted away._

FRITATA: but will i

FRITATA: well

FRITATA: guess ill never get anything out that man

FRITATA: he's so mysterious 

_grandpalf and cactus come out, looking different_

FRITATA: please

FRITATA: i dont want deets

GRANDPALF: no one cares

_fritata fucking books it_

GRANDPALF: wait come back

GRANDPALF: i didn't give you the deets

GRANDPALF: i have bread 

_fritata stops_

FRITATA: you wouldn't 

GRANDPALF: i would

_fritata hesitates and grandpalf throws the bread at him. fritata explodes_

CACTUS: holy shit you killed my son

CACTUS: i wanted to do that

GRANDPALF: dont worry he's not all the way dead

CACTUS: thats not promising

GRANDPALF: he was also my son too

CACTUS: no he wasn't i remember giving birth to him

GRANDPALF: I saw him being born from gallon

CACTUS: you didn't see shit old man

CACTUS: your eyes don't work

GRANDPALF: how dare you

_the two of them duke it out. gallon comes back_

GALLON: fritata?

GALLON: frITATAAAAAAA

GALLON: where is my son

CACTUS: he's not your son and this old ass man threw bread at him and he died

_he points at where fritata exploded, but fritata is not there_

CACTUS: holy shit where is he

FRITATA: IM UP HERE BITCH

_everyone looks up. he is standing on a cloud_

GRANDPALF: is he in heaven

FRITATA: of course not bitch you blew me up onto this cloud

FRITATA: i aint dead

FRITATA: do you underestimate my life source because how dare you

GRANDPALF: sorry son

CACTUS: he's NOT your son

_grandpalf throws bread at cactus. he explodes_

GRANDPALF: well you're dead so he's my son now

FRITATA: dad why what the fuck

GALLON: you murdered him for reals

GRANDPALF: no that was my drug buddies they did it

FRITATA: bullshit your drug buddies are here with me

_he pulls them out of his ass crack_

GRANDPALF: ew

GALLON: kinky

GRANDPALF: what no

GALLON: arent you always wanting sex how is that kinky to me but not you

GRANDPALF: theyre my friends you cant do that to my friends

FRITATA: aren't we your friends

GRANDPALF: no

_fritata sniffles_

GALLON: look at that you made him cry

FRITATA: oh no im not crying i just smelled something bad

FRITATA: eW

_he points at grandpalf_

FRITATA: its coming from you what the fuck

GRANDPALF: oh that's my bread

GALLON: did it go bad

GRANDPALF: no

GRANDPALF: it went good

_he pulls out a loaf of bread. it has a halo and angel wings_

GRANDPALF: it went so good that it smells like shit

FRITATA: what the fuck is happening in this place i can't believe

ANGEL BREAD: colours me? i doth not smelleth liketh the horror!

GALLON: what the

GRANDPALF: oh yeah it talks like shakespeare because that's the "proper" and "good" way

_the angel bread kicks him in the face and hovers in the air_

ANGEL BREAD: holla valorous humans, i am the angelical bread. i wast once an 'rdinary loaf of bread, but i attain'd enlightenment by signing up f'r a 30-day trial of—

_fritata kicks the bread in the face and kills it_

FRITATA: i dont want your bullshit free trial or whatever

_the bread rises up to the holy light. the credits roll_

ANGEL BREAD: this is a distemperate rampallian ending because we hadst to reacheth the thursday deadline, braches!!!

FRITATA: sHUT THE FUCK UP BREAD BITCH


	5. spa day from home

FRITATA: hey gallon you look kinda wrinkly again

GALLON: wasn't i always

FRITATA: yeah but now you're extra wrinkly

FRITATA: i think you need a spa day

GALLON: what's a spa day

FRITATA: you relax as i rub essential oils on your ass n shit

GALLON: im down

FRITATA: ok let me just google how to do spas at home

_he googles "how to do spas at home" and then goes to the store. he comes back with a bag of things_

GALLON: what's in there

FRITATA: well the article i read was five tips for a perfect spa day so i got these things

_he pulls out a bed sheet and cuts out eye holes and a mouth hole_

FRITATA: it said to "go face-first into a sheet mask" so i got a bed sheet and i guess you just kind of

FRITATA: faceplant into it

_he lays it on the floor and gallon faceplants down onto the bedsheet_

GALLON: i feel relaxed already. now what

_fritata pulls out a glowing eyeball bouncy ball and cuts two eye holes in it_

FRITATA: then it said "apply a disposable eye mask" so i guess this is disposable because you can throw this away how do we put this on

_he throws it onto gallon's back. it bounces off_

GALLON: wow i feel my skin unwrinkling by the second

_fritata pulls out a tv_

FRITATA: it says to "give yourself a tlc makeover" and i can only assume that means the tlc tv station so it's time to model yourself after the people on 90 day fiance or some shit but i don't see how that's relaxing

GALLON: hm ok we can skip that i want to get to the unwrinkling of the skin

_fritata pulls out a fake butt and cuts two eye holes in it_

FRITATA: after that you "thank your feet with bootie masks" so i guess i'll put these on your feet

_he puts the fake butt on gallon's feet_

FRITATA: lastly

_he pulls out a bathtub and a group of hot guys and girls_

FRITATA: "relax in a steamy (but not too hot) tub"

FRITATA: this spa day is becoming a sex day

GALLON: ok that's nice but when will the essential oils be rubbed on my ass

FRITATA: you can ask one of the hot people to do it or something 

FRITATA: i've never done a spa day at home i don't know how this works

GALLON: well okay

GALLON: but i thought this would be a nice father-son bonding moment

FRITATA: but i don't really have hands

GALLON: yes you do 

GALLON: everyone has hands

GALLON: how do you jerk off

FRITATA: i

FRITATA: i don't know

FRITATA: i have a lot of splinters in my dick does that explain anything

GALLON: not really

FRITATA: well

FRITATA: uh

FRITATA: how do YOU jerk off

GALLON: i don't i am sexually fabstinent

FRITATA: you mean abstinent

GALLON: no cause i'm fabulously abstinent

FRITATA: what does that even mean

GALLON: i'm abstinent and doing it fabulously

_he does some jazz hands_

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: okay 

GALLON: so now what

FRITATA: well after they rub the oils on your ass, i need to "give you a facial"

FRITATA: so uh

FRITATA : i guess im gonna go put my semen in a cup and then put it on your face like a mask

GALLON: what does it do for the skin

FRITATA: i dont fuckin know go look it up

_fritata walked off, grabbing a cup_

_a few minutes later,, he came back with the cup that was filled with a clear liquid_

FRITATA: surprise 

GALLON: how is it a surprise 

FRITATA: because I didn't know if I could actually do it or if I had to switch it out with llama cum or not.

GALLON: im sorry what 

FRITATA: surprise

GALLON: that looks like spit

GALLON: did you just get a ton of llamas to spit in a cup

FRITATA: well sorry im on a budget

GALLON: but if you just did yourself it would be free

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: well

FRITATA: llama spit works

_he pours it out on a baking sheet and makes it into some half assed mask_

FRITATA: now i'll bake it and then put it on your face

_he puts it in the oven. it explodes_

FRITATA: hOLY SHIT

GALLON: you're paying for that

FRITATA: i spent all my money on this llama spit

GALLON: then get some more money because you destroyed the oven

_fritata leaves and comes back in five layers of turtleneck sweaters_

FRITATA: time to become a stripper

GALLON: yknow most strippers don't wear five layers of sweaters

FRITATA: i know i'm gonna do the stripping when i get to the club

GALLON: wait what club

FRITATA: the club we went to in the last episode

FRITATA: maybe jessica will be back for me

GALLON: i doubt it i think we scared her away

FRITATA: maybe she won't be back for me but when she sees my mad dancing skills, she'll want to fuck.

GALLON: that could be an option

FRITATA: alright

FRITATA: do we own a car

GALLON: i don't think so

GALLON: ask the writers

FRITATA: hey writers

_a bean emerges from the ground_

BEAN: howdy im rue

FRITATA: cool

FRITATA: can i have a car so i can go strip for jessica

BEAN RUE: like jessica from barbecue

FRITATA: yeah

BEAN RUE: why the fuck not

BEAN RUE: we don't have a super great plan for her anyways but i highly doubt she's gonna fall for you since you have all those sweaters on

FRITATA: fucking hell what do you people think stripping is

GALLON: dancing on a pole half naked

BEAN RUE: yeah that

FRITATA: shut up and give me the car

BEAN RUE: say the magic words

FRITATA: it's okay if your son is a bee

BEAN RUE: alrightly you can have a ferrari

_bean rue pulls out a pencil, and draws a ferrari from memory. it looks like shit._

BEAN RUE: well

BEAN RUE: i tried

BEAN RUE: it's been a hot minute since i've seen a ferrari

FRITATA: okay

_bean rue melts into the ground_

GALLON: get the other writer maybe she can draw a car

FRITATA: okay

FRITATA: hey other writer

_a snail oozes out of the ground_

SNAIL CAT: hey fuckers it's cat the snail

FRITATA: yeah yeah whatever can you draw me a car

SNAIL CAT: why do you need a car

FRITATA: i need to drive to the club and seduce jessica with my stripping

SNAIL CAT: most strippers don't have five layers of—

FRITATA: yeah i get it ok im gonna strip down once i get to the club

GALLON: i told you that's not how that works

GALLON: strippers usually don't wear a lot of clothes

GALLON: they've already stripped

FRITATA: well then im breaking the status quo now draw me a car

SNAIL CAT: ok

_she pulls out a pencil and draws a pickup truck. it also looks like shit_

FRITATA: the fuck is that

SNAIL CAT: a 2004 ford

FRITATA: why would you give me that i want a ferrari

SNAIL CAT: i cant draw ferraris 

GALLON: i told you this wouldnt work

FRITATA: you were the one that suggested for me to call her in the first place!

SNAIL CAT: well im gonna go i hear the sounds of barbecue screaming and i think he's in need of some more plot

_snail cat explodes_

FRITATA: fuck this we need a ferrari to get the chicks

GALLON: i know what to do

_he bangs on his chest like a gorilla_

GALLON: ᒚᘿSᕴᑘᘿSᕼᑘS, ᓰ Sᑘᘻᘻᓍᘉ ᖻᓍᑘ

_a giant red squash appears from the ground_

GALLON: oh fuck i think i summoned squashtan by mistake

JESQUESHUS: no no im just covered in blood

GALLON: oh

FRITATA: why

JESQUESHUS: don't question your gourd and savior

FRITATA: okay

FRITATA: can you give me a ferrari please

JESQUESHUS: sure whatever

_jesqueshus reaches into his ass and pulls out a shit covered ferrari_

FRITATA: how the fuck

JESQUESHUS: i said don't question

GALLON: at least it looks like a ferrari

FRITATA: but it's all gross

JESQUESHUS: just clean it off or something 

_jesqueshus leaves in a beam of light_

FRITATA:

GALLON: don't look at me you're the one who wanted a ferrari

FRITATA: uGh fINe I hAvE To Do EVERyTHINg ARouNd HeRE

_he starts rolling around on the car_

GALLON: dude just use wipes or something

FRITATA: this is faster and i need those ladies

GALLON: no one wants to date a stripper covered in shit, fritatty

FRITATA: by the way i need a stripper name

GALLON: how about

_gallon opens up a stripper name maker and types in fritata's name_

GALLON: lola shimmerside

FRITATA: how does that come from fritata baggys

GALLON: don't ask me

FRITATA: i am asking you

GALLON: i told you not to

FRITATA: well i don't care

GALLON: you should care

GALLON: im your dad

GALLON: im your dAD

GALLON: boogie woogie woogie

FRITATA: why do i remember you saying this before

GALLON: i don't know i can't keep track of everything i've ever said

GALLON: do you know how much bullshit comes out of my mound every day

FRITATA: your

FRITATA: your what

GALLON: sorry i meant mouth

GALLON: i have a penis

FRITATA: oh right i need to go strip

_fritata takes off the shit covered sweater_

FRITATA: the show is already starting and im not even at the club

GALLON: i thought you were gonna do that at the club

FRITATA: i'm keeping these ones on don't worry

FRITATA: now drive me to the club

_gallon and fritata drive to the club. they arrive and fritata immediately hurries over to the stripper pole_

FRITATA: watch me im sexy sexy

_he grinds and the crowd boos him. he takes off his numerous sweaters and throws them all at gallon, knocking him unconscious_

MAN: how is this sexy

_fritata reveals a bikini made of trashbags_

FRITATA: pay up spectators

_they throw fruit at him_

FRITATA: what the hell this is a club

FRITATA: dad help me

_gallon says nothing. he is being suffocated by the sweaters_

FRITATA: daAD?

FRITATA: how do i make a couch

FRITATA: how do i join the fbi

FRITATA: how do i convince john mulaney to marry me

FRITATA: how do i convince john mulaney to give me his dog

FRITATA: how do i seduce a frog

FRITATA: i have qUESTIONS

_he notices that the entire crowd is watching him_

FRITATA: um i mean

_he walks around the pole_

FRITATA: draw me like one of your french girls

_the crowd boos_

FRITATA: aight im getting out of here

_he puts the sweaters back on and drags gallon out to the car_

FRITATA: dad you need to get up and drive us home i dont have a license

_gallon says nothing_

FRITATA: dAD!

FRITATA: get up you're faking

_fritata lifts the sweaters off of him and it is revealed that gallon is dead_

FRITATA: i gotta do mouth to mouth

FRITATA: what a spa day

_fritata leans down and kisses gallon_

GALLON: do you even know cpr

FRITATA: no but it worked

_roll credits_


	6. the purge

_fritata pulls out a gun_

FRITATA: yippe kai yay it's purge day

GALLON: it's what

FRITATA: i can kill you today ma'am

GALLON: what's purge day

FRITATA: all crimes are illegal for twenty four hours either join me in my murder spree or go hide like a pussy

GALLON: well i don't have a pussy so i guess i'll join you

FRITATA: good put on a mask

_he pulls out a cat mask from his back pocket_

GALLON: hold on isn't this the mask that you pulled out in the first episode

FRITATA: that was the second episode

GALLON: oh my bad

FRITATA: take this gun it's time to kill

_the two of them run out but gallon is immediately shot by fritata_

GALLON: hEY

_fritata shoots him again_

GALLON: WHY I THOUGHT WE WERE DOING THIS TOGETHER

FRITATA: we're not all in this together gallon

FRITATA: we never were

GALLON: i think you shot me in the balls

FRITATA: perfect you will die faster

GALLON: but my balls aren't a vital organ so i actually won't

_fritata shoots him again_

GALLON: oW my tOE

FRITATA: now you will die

GALLON: did you ever take a health class do you know what the vital organs are 

FRITATA: yes theyre the balls, the toes, and the pinky finger

GALLON: what no

FRITATA: you're my dad you're supposed to teach me

GALLON: i don't want to

_fritata shoots him in the urethra_

GALLON: oh my fucking god how

GALLON: it's going up my dick

GALLON: there is a bullet going up my dick

GALLON: it's in my bladder now.

GALLON: are you fucking kidding

GALLON: how would you even get this out

FRITATA: i don't fuckin know

FRITATA: pee it out

GALLON: i can't pee out a fucking bullet it's moving faster than my pee would be if i had any water in my bladder

FRITATA: welp goodbye father

_he runs away_

FRITATA: time to commit more crimes of evil

_a girl jumps out of the bushes with two knives_

FRITATA: wHO the fuck

GIRL: i'm ninja

FRITATA: i see that 

GIRL: no my name is ninja

FRITATA: wait so you're a ninja and your name is ninja

NINJA: yes

FRITATA: what the hell that's like naming your dog "dog"

NINJA: i actually do have a dog but his name is achair

FRITATA: achair?

NINJA: you're pronouncing it wrong it's supposed to be pronounced "ack-hair"

FRITATA: it's not spelled that way though

NINJA: how do you know how it's spelled we're speaking verbally

FRITATA: or are we

FRITATA: wait so your dog has a normal name but your name is just what you are

NINJA: do you 

NINJA: do you think achair is a normal name

FRITATA: normal-er than calling yourself your job profession

NINJA: you're just saying that because if you did that your name would be "unemployed dumb-dumb who jerks off all day"

FRITATA:

FRITATA: im going to pretend i didn't hear that

NINJA: you know it's true

FRITATA: did i fucking say it wasn't

NINJA: no but

FRITATA: shut up kid 

NINJA: okay well anyways

_she smacks him in the leg with a butter knife_

NINJA: crime

NINJA: haha

FRITATA: that

FRITATA: okay

_fritata shoots her in the head_

NINJA: take care of karma

NINJA: that's my other dog

FRITATA: what the fuck is up with your dogs

NINJA: there's context i swear

_ninja dies. fritata pulls off her mask to reveal that it's one of the writers, cat._

FRITATA: oh damn i just killed the writer

_a small child runs out of the bushes_

CHILD: yo you killed cat so rue sent me here to punish you with five hours of jazz and slam poetry

FRITATA: oh my god she's a monster

CHILD: suffer

_the child pins fritata down_

FRITATA: woah i don't get down with kids

_the child pulls out a hot glue gun_

FRITATA: wait what the fuck

_the child puts hot glue on a pair of headphones, and then hot glues them to fritata's head._

FRITATA: haha jokes on you im too high to feel pain

_the child adds superglue, and then turns on very loud jazz music._

FRITATA: nO YOU CANT DO THIS

 _the child hot glues a different pair of headphones to the other side of fritata's head, and plays slam poetry in it_. _then he leaves fritata to writhe on the ground._

FRITATA: kill me please

_gallon walks past him_

GALLON: happy halloween

_gallon does a little dance_

GALLON: anyways im gonna sing now

* * *

don't suck a dick 

just suck a pickle

they taste better than dick

i'm experienced

* * *

_grandpalf walks by_

GRANDPALF: that's what you think a song is

GALLON: shut up im a great singer

GRANDPALF: you ended it with "im experienced"

GALLON: well i am

GRANDPALF: it doesn't rhyme

GRANDPALF: boo

GALLON: wanna hear another song

GRANDPALF: no

* * *

it's fally in the house

i eat mouse toes

i suck dick too and it tastes like pickle hoes

i'm experienced

* * *

GRANDPALF: do all of your songs end with "i'm experienced"

GALLON: yes

GRANDPALF: even though you aren't

GALLON: i am too

GRANDPALF: fuck you

_he turns to fritata to get his approval, but instead just sees a writhing fritata listening to jazz and slam poetry, along with the dead body of the ninja-writer, cat_

GRANDPALF: this purge is going quite badly for fritatty

GALLON: agreed

GALLON: what crimes have you committed on this fine day

GRANDPALF: i illegally smoked some drugs

GALLON: when are you not

GRANDPALF: what about you

GALLON: i peed out a bullet

GRANDPALF: didn't know that was illegal

GALLON: no because fritata shot me in the dick

GRANDPALF: ah i see

GRANDPALF: wait how did it get inside your body

GALLON: im not even sure anymore this whole episode is just so fuckin weird

GRANDPALF: is this even a real episode

GALLON: i don't know 

GALLON: when have you ever asked me a question i knew the answer to

GRANDPALF: where's the ding gallon

_gallon's eyes light up like there are flashlights inside him. he talks like he's possessed._

GALLON: in semen's ass

GRANDPALF: now how did it get there

GRANDPALF: guess im gonna have to fuck him if i want that ding

GALLON: what no it's mine

GALLON: i told semen to get it so i didn't have to hide it up my asshole

GRANDPALF: understandable

GRANDPALF: how about we get the ding and we can evenly split it between us

GALLON: how

GRANDPALF: i know magic i can do it

GALLON: no you don't

GRANDPALF: yes i do come on let's go

_they go to semen's cave, but the rubber dick he lives in is gone_

GALLON: oh wait

GALLON: i ate the dick and semen in the third episode

GALLON: then i shat out the ding

GRANDPALF: what happened to the ding after

GALLON: uh

_flashback_

_fritata suddenly pulls out a knife and stabs gallon in the tit._

FRITATA: sorry dad but i need the ding 

GALLON: NOOOOO NOT MY DING

_flashback ends_

GALLON: i think fritatty watty has it

GRANDPALF: hm

GRANDPALF: well while he's writhing on the ground let's search his pockets and take the ding

GALLON: fabulous idea

_they run back to where fritata was but discover that he is gone_

GALLON: what the hell where did he go

GRANDPALF: he was here just a few minutes ago listening to jazz and slam poetry

GALLON: maybe he ran away

GALLON: maybe he was kidnapped

GALLON: maybe he went to seduce john mulaney and steal his dog

GALLON: we'll never know

GRANDPALF: wait what was that last one

_gallon sweats_

GALLON: uh

GRANDPALF: why are you sweating so much

_gallon looks down. he is sweating so much that the streets are flooding_

GALLON: oh no

_he tries to block his sweat glands but more sweat comes out_

GALLON: oh god oh fuck

_grandpalf begins to drown in sweat_

GRANDPALF: sdpdbsfdbthhdshfb

GALLON: i cant stop it

GALLON: sorry bro

GRANDPALF: spdfjbth

_grandpalf drowns_

GALLON: oh well at least it's the purge so i won't be guilty of murder

_he walks away, still sweating a ton_

_suddenly, fritata comes out of the bush, grabbing gallon's nipples_

GALLON: help a ginger kid has my nips'

FRITATA: that's a lie

FRITATA: im not a ginger

GALLON: wait really

FRITATA: look at my hair

FRITATA: do you see any ginger

GALLON: no

FRITATA: exactly im a fucking brunette and proud

GALLON: help a brunette kid has my nips'

FRITATA: why the apostrophe 

GALLON: we're speaking verbally how did you see the apostrophe 

FRITATA: are we though

GALLON:

GALLON: can you let go of my nips

FRITATA: oh sorry

_he lets go and takes out a donut_

FRITATA: mm meth

GALLON: whay

FRITATA: meth donut

FRITATA: mMmM mETH! 

FRITATA: i dont sleep

FRITATA: i dont eat

FRITATA: but i got the cleanest house on the sTREET!

FRITATA: oOoOh mETH!

GALLON: why does this song keep getting referenced wtf

FRITATA: sorry it just comes out sometimes yknow 

GALLON: no i dont actually know

FRITATA: oh

GALLON: why do you say yknow if you know i dont actually know

FRITATA: its a free country

GALLON: is it though

FRITATA: its a free country if youre cis white rich and straight

FRITATA: and also male but yknow sometimes women get equal rights i guess

GALLON: thats more accurate

FRITATA: its sad too

GALLON: yeah i know

FRITATA: now you must die

_he pulls out a knife and stabs gallon's ear_

GALLON: goddammit

FRITATA: did you forget that it is the purge

_a police car steps out_

POLICE CAR: actually the purge just ended one minute ago so fritoto buggys you're under arrest

FRITATA: that's not even my name

_he is handcuffed with two celery sticks_

POLICE CAR: im the budget fbi

FRITATA: oh my god is this the first episode

_the police car pulls off the car mask to reveal_

MAN: i am the man who was trying to steal from the atm 

GALLON: oh my god its HIM

GALLON: i knew hed be back one day

FRITATA: no you didnt

GALLON: i did so i can see the future

GALLON: a vague description of the future

FRITATA: thats bullshit 

FRITATA: this whole thing is bullshit

FRITATA: this is a scam

FRITATA: fuck the church

FRITATA: heres 99 reasons why

_he pulls out a long list from his pocket_

GALLON: what the fuck

_fritata kicks the man away from him and he dies. the credits roll_

FRITATA: wheres the nearest bathroom


	7. fritata on vacation

_fritata comes out of the bathroom_

FRITATA: hey i just shat out two plane tickets to the carry bean who wants to come

GALLON: to the what

FRITATA: carry bean

GALLON: you mean the carribean

FRITATA: yeah whatever

FRITATA: let's go to the carry bean

GALLON: shut the fuck up

GALLON: when is the plane rising

FRITATA: you mean taking off

GALLON: sure

FRITATA: in a few hours so we should pack

_grandpalf comes out of the toilet_

GRANDPALF: can i come too

FRITATA: sure. fun for the whole family

_a montage plays of the three of them running around, screaming, and throwing various stuff into suitcases. the montage ends as they leave the house and enter a taxi. when they're almost at the airport, fritata poses an important question_

FRITATA: did we actually pack anything of use or did we just throw random shit in

GRANDPALF: i wrote down everything we threw into the suitcases so let's see

_he pulls out a notebook_

* * *

  * 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚊𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚛
  * 𝚏𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚛𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚜
  * 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚘𝚕𝚍 𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚜𝚝𝚒𝚌𝚔 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟶
  * 𝚜𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚎
  * 𝚙𝚎𝚝 𝚌𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚞𝚜 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚍
  * 𝚐𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚗'𝚜 𝚌𝚛𝚞𝚜𝚝𝚢 𝚞𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚠𝚎𝚊𝚛
  * 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚊'𝚜 𝚕𝚞𝚋𝚎
  * 𝚕𝚊𝚖𝚙
  * 𝚙𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚙𝚕𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚋𝚎 𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎𝚍 𝚓𝚊𝚗𝚎
  * 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚎 𝚙𝚒𝚎𝚌𝚎 𝚘𝚏 𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍
  * 𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚍𝚢 𝚌𝚊𝚗𝚎
  * 𝚊 𝚝𝚞𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚒𝚗𝚎𝚛 𝚏𝚞𝚕𝚕 𝚘𝚏 𝚜𝚘𝚖𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚛𝚎𝚍. 𝚎𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚔𝚒𝚖𝚌𝚑𝚒 𝚘𝚛 𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚘𝚍 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚘𝚛𝚐𝚊𝚗𝚜 𝚒𝚗 𝚒𝚝
  * 𝚍𝚘𝚐 𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚝
  * 𝚝𝚘𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚝 𝚙𝚊𝚙𝚎𝚛
  * 𝚏𝚞𝚣𝚣
  * 𝚐𝚘𝚘𝚐𝚕𝚢 𝚎𝚢𝚎𝚜



* * *

FRITATA: so you're telling me we packed no clothes or anything and yet we managed to fill up three giant suitcases with this bullshit

GALLON: listen fred is a big cactus i had to cut him up and put his body pieces in the suitcases

FRITATA: that's pretty fucked up man

GALLON: don't worry i can glue him back together when we get to the carribean

FRITATA: it's called the carry bean get it right you dumbass

GALLON: son

GALLON: im not mad

GALLON: im jazzed

FRITATA: is that better or worse i genuinely can't tell

GALLON: me neither

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: anyways

_they get out of the taxi and jump onto the airplane_

GRANDPALF: where are our seats

FRITATA: i have first class and you both are in economy but in the very back so you can hear the engine roaring in your delicate ears

GRANDPALF: fuck you

_grandpalf throws his suitcase at a little child's head_

GALLON: you might get arrested if that kid dies

GRANDPALF: they wont die

_the kid is dead_

GRANDPALF: they died

GRANDPALF: i need to disguise myself

FRITATA: the only clothes we brought are gallon's underwear 

GALLON: he could wear a lamp

FRITATA: you can't wear a fucking lamp you idiot

GALLON: we should get in our seats before the police get us, also we're blocking the isle

_they get in their seats. the safety video begins to play_

FRITATA: hm this seating arrangement wasnt the best

FRITATA: how am i supposed to ask grandpalf and gallon for snacks even though we didnt pack shit

_he turns around and yells up the isle_

FRITATA: dAAAAD DO WE HAVE SNAAAAAAAAACKS

_he hears a faint voice_

GALLON: noooooo

FRITATA: GODDAMMIT

_fritata kicks the back of the chair in front of him_

FRITATA: 89 bottles of wine on the wall 89 bottles of wine

MAN NEXT TO HIM: thats not how it goes

FRITATA: shut the fuck up

MAN: well you're the one who started talking

FRITATA: but you're the one still talking

MAN: but so are you

FRITATA: shut up 

FRITATA: you're wrong

MAN: okay

_the man pulls out a travel pillow and goes to sleep._

FRITATA: nevermind wake up

FRITATA: wake up random man

FRITATA: guess he must be dead

_meanwhile, in economy, gallon is drooling on grandpalf. grandpalf picks gallon's head up off his lap and sighs._

GRANDPALF: why are you even drooling

GALLON: i don't know

GALLON: it happens when im on planes

GRANDPALF: and you couldn't share this before we got on

GALLON: well fritata made us get into our seats before i could tell you

_grandpalf takes the airplane pillow they always provide and puts it between him and gallon_

GRANDPALF: drool on that please i'm reading this luxury magazine

_the plane takes off. after some time a flight attendant comes down the aisle to hand out their lunch. she gives fritata some bread, butter, chocolate, watermelon, steak, mashed potatoes, and water_

FRITATA: the fuck is this

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir this is our first class meal

FRITATA: looks like an economy meal take it back and give me something else

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: this is all we have sir

FRITATA: well—

_he looks at the flight attendants name tag. it says "peppa"_

FRITATA: well peppa i wont stand for this horrible customer service i am disgusted

_he throws the mashed potatoes at her but she dodges. it hits a baby in the face_

PEPPA: sir i'm going to have to ask you to exit the plane

FRITATA: but we're in the sky

_peppa picks him up, opens the emergency door, and throws him out_

FRITATA: NOOOOOOoooooo

_he falls through the sky_

_meanwhile back with gallon and grandpalf_

GRANDPALF: gallon

_gallon is sleeping_

GRANDPALF: gALLON

GALLON: what

GRANDPALF: look at this louis vuitton bag will you buy me it

GALLON: bro that's too expensive for the money i make

GRANDPALF: how do you make money

GALLON: usually i just pull out all my teeth and sell them on ebay but the teeth market wasn't very plentiful these past months so i've gotten less money then usual

GRANDPALF: wait but if you pull out all your teeth how do you have them right now

GALLON: they always grow back

GRANDPALF: ew

_peppa comes down the aisle and gives them food_

PEPPA: sorry for the late delivery, we had to throw a rude passenger out of the plane

GALLON: spill

PEPPA: i'm sorry?

GALLON: who was it

PEPPA: i'm not sure of his name, but he was singing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" and replacing beer with wine

GALLON: oh my god

_he turns to grandpalf_

GALLON: that was fritata

GRANDPALF: fUCK

PEPPA: sirs, i—

_grandpalf and gallon jump out of their seats and run towards the front of the plane. they run into the pilots' area, throw the pilots into the aisle, and slam the doors_

GALLON: how are we gonna get him back

GRANDPALF: only one option

GRANDPALF: we pilot the plane towards the ground and hike until we find him

GALLON: that's a horrible idea

GRANDPALF: hold on

_he turns on the intercom_

GRANDPALF: my esteemed tape measures it looks like we will be making an emergency landing. i don't know how to pilot a plane but i need to get fritata back since he's paying for our trip to the carribean and gallon and i are both broke as fuck. hopefully we all survive this because i will probably crash into the ground

_he turns off the intercom and pilots the plane downwards at a very fast speed. there are screams coming from the cabin_

GALLON: wait, if the flight attendant threw fritata out when she was serving meals, shouldn't he have fallen a long way behind where we are right now?

GRANDPALF: hm you're right

_he turns the plane out of a nosedive and turns around, then hurtles towards the earth_

GALLON: a lITTLE FARTHER THAN THIS LET ME TRY

_gallon takes control of the plane. he pulls out of the nosedive and steadies the plane into flying on a normal course. after a few minutes he starts nosediving again and the screams start back up_

GALLON: hE SHOULD BE AROUND HERE WE'LL HAVE TO SEARCH FOR HIM

GRANDPALF: IF WE LIVE

GALLON: TRUE

_the plane crashes into the ground, and then catches on fire_

GALLON: so everyone is probably dead

GRANDPALF: how are we alive

GRANDPALF: we were closest to the fall

GALLON: idk the authors can't kill us off yet

GRANDPALF: didn't you use to be the villan of this show

_gallon shrugs_

GALLON: anyways

GALLON: where the fuck are we

GRANDPALF: do i look like i know

GALLON: yes

GALLON: you look like you'd know everything

GRANDPALF: yes i look very old and wise

GALLON: how do you get the wise part down

GALLON: i just look old

GRANDPALF: it's the beard

GALLON: ohhh

_meanwhile, fritata hikes over to the plane and whacks it with a stick_

FRITATA: any survivors?

_he hears nothing_

FRITATA: yum

FRITATA: fresh meat

FRITATA: i hope there are racists on this plane

FRITATA: i can eat the racists

_fritata whacks the plane with a stick some more_

_meanwhile on the other side of the plane_

GRANDPALF: what's that whacking sound

GALLON: oh my god hide

GRANDPALF: wh—

GALLON: i'll explain

_they hide in some bushes_

GALLON: it's the plane whacker

GALLON: plane crash survivors say that they always hear a whacking sound when they get out of the crashed plane

GALLON: some have even seen the whacker

GALLON: it's a large white figure that's like a ghost with a big stick and—

FRITATA: dads?

_gallon and grandpalf jump_

GRANDPALF: fRITATA

GRANDPALF: we thought you died

GALLON: i thought you were the plane whacker

FRITATA: I stole the plane whacker's stick and beat it up it's dead now

GALLON: oh

GALLON: well

FRITATA: how do we get out of here this island is in the middle of nowhere

GRANDPALF: we're fucked we're on a deserted island and we don't know how to survive

GALLON: go get our suitcase maybe there's something useful inside

FRITATA: we didn't pack anything useful though

GALLON: just get it

_fritata goes and gets the suitcase from inside the plane. he drags it back and opens it_

GRANDPALF: the only edible things are the potted plant who might be named jane, the stale piece of bread, the candy cane, and fred the cactus

GRANDPALF: possibly what's inside the tupperware if it's filled with kimchi and not blood and organs

GALLON: we can't eat fred

FRITATA: we can't eat jane either she's my baby

GRANDPALF: well great so all we have is a piece of bread and a candy cane and maybe what's inside the tupperware

FRITATA: we can eat the racists on the plane

GRANDPALF: i'm not resorting to cannibalism

FRITATA: you won't you're a human but gallon and i are hobbits so we can eat the humans

GALLON: i don't really want to do that though

FRITATA: we have to to survive

GALLON: but i don't want to

FRITATA: you don't want to survive?

GALLON: no i just don't want to eat humans

GRANDPALF: he makes a good point, fritater tot

FRITATA: don't call me fritater tot

GALLON: but we can eat tater tots

FRITATA: if you eat me that's cannibalism for you

GALLON: true

GRANDPALF: not for me

FRITATA: don't even think about it old man i have this big stick

_suddenly they hear the sound of a stick hitting the plane from the other side of the plane_

GALLON: oh no it's the plane whacker

GRANDPALF: i thought fritata killed it

FRITATA: i did i dunno why it's back

GALLON: we need to hide

FRITATA: why though

GALLON: the plane whacker is very dangerous

FRITATA: you're just a pussy

GALLON: how am i a pussy i'm a man

FRITATA: that makes no sense but whatever

_they stand there until a white ghost with glowing red toes and a big stick they are whacking against the side of the plane comes around_

GRANDPALF: this is dangerous? it's not even coming over to us

GALLON: sHH it has good hearing but not very good eyesight

FRITATA: is that why it slams the stick against the planes

GALLON: do you think i asked it this is based off legends from the survivors of the plane whacker

FRITATA: what

GALLON: sorry i don't word good

FRITATA: i know

FRITATA: it's a hereditary thing

GALLON: but

GALLON: technically all i did was shit you out

FRITATA: still counts

GALLON: either way how do we get out of here

FRITATA: let's hit him with a stick

GRANDPALF: but that didn't work the last time

FRITATA: yes it did

FRITATA: just not for forever

_fritata hits it with a stick and runs_

FRITATA: fOLLOW ME

_grandpalf and gallon follows him. they run to the other side of the island and dive into the water_

_credits roll_

GRANDPALF: i can't sweem


	8. gallon makes a wife out of clay

_somehow, even after the events of the last episode, they are at home_

FRITATA: gallon

GALLON: yes son?

FRITATA: what the fuck is this

_he pulls out a woman made entirely of clay_

GALLON: it's your new mom

CLAY WOMAN: h

CLAY WOMAN: im sho sho

SHO SHO: hi 

_sho sho crackles_

FRITATA: i think she's gonna catch on fire

SHO SHO: no i wont im not flammable

GALLON: what a beautiful woman let's sex it up

_the two of them leave. gallon comes back two minutes later with a flaming sho sho_

GALLON: I WENT DOWN ON HER BUT APPARENTLY THE FRICTION CAUSED HER TO CATCH ON FIRE

FRITATA: i thought she said she wasnt flammable

SHO SHO: that was a fucking lie

GALLON: our house is on fire now

GALLON: so there's that

GALLON: now we gotta get married in the garage

FRITATA: didn't the garage burn down too

GALLON: shit

FRITATA: get married in the garden it's the only thing not burning

SHO SHO: okay

_they get outside. the garden is burning_

FRITATA: fuck

GALLON: what

FRITATA: i stepped on a beetle

SHO SHO: you fail to notice the garden is on fire

FRITATA: what?

_he looks_

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: well

FRITATA: i didn't plant anything so it's cool

GALLON: mY TOMMY TOES

SHO SHO: what

FRITATA: his tomatoes

GALLON: _**MY TOMMY TOES ARE BURNT TO CRISPY CRISPS**_

FRITATA: f in chat

GALLON: NO IT DESERVES AN A IN THE CHAT MY TOMMY TOES WERE GRADE A

FRITATA: dude it's what the cool kids are saying

GALLON: SHUT UP YOURE LIKE 35

FRITATA: i know but still

FRITATA: rip to the tomatoes

GALLON: NO WE'RE NOT RIPPING MY TOMMY TOES' SOULS

FRITATA: that's not what that—

_gallon starts sobbing loudly_

GALLON: _**MY TOMMYTOOOOOOES**_

GALLON: _**YOU WERE TOO GOOD AND PURE FOR THIS WORLD**_

SHO SHO: is he always like this

FRITATA: pretty much yeah

GALLON: can we make a burial site for my tommy toes

FRITATA: there's nothing to bury

SHO SHO: we can just dig a hole in the guardian and then fill it up with random shit

SHO SHO: the tomato ashes are probably somewhere in this hell hole

FRITATA: that's not promising but okay

_the two of them dig a hole and then fill it up again as gallon cries_

FRITATA: hey can you shut the fuck up we're trying to bury the air

SHO SHO: yes husband i agree

GALLON: sho sho you're supposed to be on my side 

SHO SHO: sorry but im not you're annoying af

GALLON: excuse me

_sho sho throws dirt at him_

GALLON: ow what the fuck woman

SHO SHO: im not a woman

_sho sho turns into a lizard_

SHO SHO: im a lizard

GALLON: can you be a lizard woman

SHO SHO: no i dont feel like it

GALLON: oh ok

FRITATA: what just happened

_sho sho throws dirt at him_

FRITATA: that was uncalled for

SHO SHO: your face was uncalled for

GALLON: ooh sick burn

FRITATA: dad youre supposed to be on my side

GALLON: who said that

FRITATA: the law

GALLON: but shes my wife

SHO SHO: we never got married

GALLON: yes we did 

SHO SHO: when

GALLON: when I made you

SHO SHO: pretty sure that makes you my dad

GALLON: im your daddy

FRITATA: ew this is disturbing i dont like this

GALLON: you don't like anything

FRITATA: true i'm a picky boy

GALLON: here comes the airplane

_he tries feeding fritata some dirt but fritata throws it in his eyes_

GALLON: ow my eyes

FRITATA: take that bitch

_sho sho throws some dirt at gallon too_

SHO SHO: this is fun

FRITATA: fuck yeah it is

_they keep throwing dirt at gallon. eventually he is buried in dirt_

FRITATA: did we kill him

SHO SHO: i think we might have

_they immediately start crying dramatically and suddenly the sky turns gray and clouds start pouring rain down onto them. more people crowd around them for no reason and start crying and a gravestone pops up that says GALLON REST IN PIECE on it._

_grandpalf appears_

GRANDPALF: why are you all sobbing

SHO SHO: we killed gallon

GRANDPALF: what how

FRITATA: we were throwing dirt at him for fun but then we buried him in dirt

GRANDPALF: how do you know he's dead

SHO SHO: well i said i think he might be so that's a yes, right?

GRANDPALF: what

GRANDPALF: no

SHO SHO: oh

GRANDPALF: wait hold on who the fuck is this

_he motions to sho sho_

SHO SHO: i am sho sho

GRANDPALF: what are you

SHO SHO: made of clay

GRANDPALF: how

GRANDPALF: why

FRITATA: also look

FRITATA: he has a grave

GRANDPALF: that doesn't necessarily mean he's dead

FRITATA: oh

GRANDPALF: though he might be you might have suffocated him to de—

_everyone starts crying again_

GRANDPALF: gOD WHY ARE YOU ALL LIKE THIS LOOK HE'S PROBABLY FINE

_he digs up gallon's body. gallon is alive and looks very annoyed_

SHO SHO: oh

_everyone starts cheering and confetti explodes from somewhere_

FRITATA: WOOHOO GALLON IS ALIVE BITCHES

GALLON: must there be a party for my living body

FRITATA: yeah i want to

GALLON: well i don't want to

_gallon climbs out and stomps off_

FRITATA: he'll come back

SHO SHO: yes

GRANDPALF: i dunno about that

SHO SHO: trust the gourd

GRANDPALF: what

GRANDPALF: no

SHO SHO: the gourd is the only superior being in the universe

FRITATA: is there any other

SHO SHO: no

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: boring

FRITATA: does the gourd have a wife or something

SHO SHO: no the gourd believes in no marriage

GRANDPALF: what about hookups

SHO SHO: the gourd believes in abstinence

GRANDPALF: dammit

FRITATA: ew grandpalf you're such a nymphomaniac

GRANDPALF: we established that in the pilot episode

FRITATA: i know but still

FRITATA: anyway what are we gonna do with gallon's estranged wife

SHO SHO: who says i'm his wife

FRITATA: this is literally called "gallon makes a wife out of clay"

SHO SHO: i divorced him 

_she pulls lou out of thin air_

SHO SHO: lou is my lawyer

LOU: what the hell where am i

SHO SHO: you're my divorce lawyer

LOU: oh ok

LOU: uh

LOU: sho sho and gallon are not it so you're divorced now i guess

SHO SHO: perfect now it is time to pursue my dreams of becoming a star

FRITATA: like a musical artist

SHO SHO: no a giant ball of flaming gas

FRITATA: i would advise against this

LOU: i would advise against this too

SHO SHO: shut up you're both younger than me i don't have to listen to you

FRITATA: it's not a matter of age it's advice i'm giving you

SHO SHO: shut up

_she spontaneously combusts and is yeeted up into the sky_

LOU: woah

FRITATA: i advised against this

LOU: i'm rethinking my advice giving

FRITATA: what no 

_suddenly grandpalf also spontaneously combusts and is yeeted upwards too_

FRITATA: well there goes grandpalf

LOU: don't worry they will be back

FRITATA: how do you know

LOU: i can see the future

LOU: or maybe a worm whispered it in my ear

FRITATA: ew 

_sho sho and grandpalf suddenly come hurtling back to earth, just as they were before. they smash into the garden and kill a ton of people_

FRITATA: those casualties were not necessary to the plot

SHO SHO: it's more realistic though

FRITATA: true

FRITATA: wait how are you not burnt

FRITATA: or melted 

FRITATA: idk

FRITATA: what the fuck happens to clay when it catches on fire

SHO SHO: nothing apparently

FRITATA: i feel like that's not true

SHO SHO: i don't know

FRITATA: me neither

GRANDPALF: why did i have to spontaniously combust too

FRITATA: because the writers literally write this show in the middle of the night

FRITATA: and they really don't give a fuck about us

FRITATA: like they literally laugh at us

GRANDPALF: that's fucked up

FRITATA: yes

GALLON: what the fuck even happened 

GALLON: i was sleeping and suddenly my roof collapsed and a bunch of flaming dead people crashed on top of me

FRITATA: oh 

SHO SHO: sorry about that

GALLON: i severely regret making you

_everyone gasps_

_sho sho starts crying_

GALLON: oh god

FRITATA: god dad

GALLON: i hate people with weakness

FRITATA: you have so many weaknesses

GALLON: i know im a bottom

GRANDPALF: what the fuck do we do with that information

GALLON: i dunno

GALLON: now excuse me but i am getting a hose 

_sho sho stops crying_

SHO SHO: why

_gallon grabs a hose and turns it on, putting it between his legs_

GALLON: so i can do this

_the water hits sho sho and she starts melting_

GRANDPALF: NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING

GRANDPALF: I DIDNT GET TO SMASH YET

FRITATA: she's literally getting murdered and that's what you're worried about

GRANDPALF: yeah she's a minor character who cares about them

FRITATA: 

FRITATA: not me

FRITATA: i don't have a gentle soul

GRANDPALF: thank god

GRANDPALF: BUT I WANTED TO SMASH

FRITATA: are you the hulk

GRANDPALF: that would be gallon because he is green

_they look at gallon who is laughing maniacally as sho sho melts, screaming_

GRANDPALF: yeah

FRITATA: hm

_a few seconds later_

GALLON: well now there's just a puddle of wet clay on the ground what do we do

GRANDPALF: bury it

FRITATA: yeah bury it and hold a funeral 

GALLON: for who

FRITATA: sho sho, you idiot

GALLON: oh yeah i forgot i killed her

GRANDPALF: what did you think you were dOING

GALLON: i thought this was a clay statue

GRANDPALF: you killed your wife for nothing

GALLON: oh my god i killed my wife for nothing

_gallon cries and is suddenly pulled into the ground_

FRITATA: holy sHIT

_sho sho's voice suddenly rings out around them_

SHO SHO: _**you will pay for killing me, gallon**_

FRITATA: noooo

FRITATA: he's too hideous to die

SHO SHO: you're not wrong

GALLON: hey

GRANDPALF: how can we even hear you

GALLON: logic doesn't matter anymore

GRANDPALF: okay

FRITATA: so can you let him go please

SHO SHO: im sorry but he murdered me

SHO SHO: it was racist

FRITATA: how

SHO SHO: i don't know 

SHO SHO: it just was

FRITATA: i need my dad tho

SHO SHO: you have another one

FRITATA: but he's my replacement mom because im not entirely sure if i have a real mom

GRANDPALF: yeah i still haven't really clarified if his mom is a rat or a human

SHO SHO: she's a human

FRITATA: still ew

FRITATA: also how did that make me

FRITATA: how does two humans make a hobbit

SHO SHO: stop using your stupid logic and you'd be fine

FRITATA: fine

SHO SHO: good boy

FRITATA: i'm not a dog that's creepy

SHO SHO: well you're my son so

FRITATA: wait what

SHO SHO: if i was gallon's wife and he was your dad that makes me your mom so you better listen to me

FRITATA: no

FRITATA: i'll listen to gallon and grandpalf only

SHO SHO: sorry kid

_grandpalf suddenly sinks into the ground too_

SHO SHO: now you only have me

FRITATA: what about the skeleton named cactus from episode four

SHO SHO: he exploded remember

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: wait i'm a legal adult i don't need a parent to tell me how to live life

FRITATA: i'm gonna go and eat all the ice cream i want

GRANDPALF: your idea of being an adult is so childish

FRITATA: im like 35 or something

GRANDPALF: who cares

FRITATA: can you just let them go already this is a huge fucking hassle for me

SHO SHO: gourd

SHO SHO: fine

_the ground spits them up_

SHO SHO: now never talk to me again

GALLON: i will never do that

_credits roll_


	9. grandpalf and hairy pooter

GRANDPALF: i punched a kid today

GALLON: im disappointed in you

GALLON: you're setting a horrible example for our son

_they look at fritata who is currently shoving a matchbox car up his ass_

GRANDPALF: you're right

GRANDPALF: i need to go tell that kid to shove a matchbox car up his ass

GALLON: okay

GALLON: im gonna take fritata to the amusement park so we can jerk off on the big rollercoaster

_grandpalf walks over to the kid he punched_

GRANDPALF: life tip: shove a matchbox car up your ass

KID: no thanks i'm too wizardly

GRANDPALF: what

KID: my name is hairy pooter and at my wizard school matchbox cars are not allowed

GRANDPALF: fuck the rules

HAIRY POOTER: but sex isn't allowed so we can't f word pertaining to exclamation of dismay and also sexual intercourse. also swearing isn't allowed

GRANDPALF: jesus christ you are so literal

_he kicks hairy_

HAIRY: not again

HAIRY: i'm getting my friends to whip your a word pertaining to donkeys and the behinds of living beings

_he whistles. two other kids come over_

KID ONE: i'm ree wuddles

KID TWO: i'm hermwiggle gugglegiant

REE AND HERMWIGGLE: and we are going to whip your a word pertaining to donkeys and the behinds of living beings!

_they weakly kick grandpalf_

GRANDPALF: oh no im hurt

REE: okay baby

HERMWIGGLE: we barely touched you

GRANDPALF: i was fucking joking

HERMWIGGLE: he swore

REE: we need to kill him then

GRANDPALF: what

HERMWIGGLE: swearing is not allowed at our wizard school

GRANDPALF: what wizard school

HERMWIGGLE: fuckwart school of fuckwards and fuckery

GRANDPALF: do you know how many swear words are in that title

REE: technically they're not swear words because they're part of different words

REE: the f word is a swear, but fuckwart, fuckwards, and fuckery are technically not words 

REE: so they dont count

GRANDPALF: what the hell is going on

HERMWIGGLE: *gasp* he said the h word pertaining to satan's realm in christian lore

HERMWIGGLE: he must be sacrificed

GRANDPALF: wait what

_ree hits him on the head with a baseball bat and he is knocked out_

* * *

_grandpalf wakes up. he has been tied down and is in the middle of a satanic pentagram surrounded by candles. they are all lit except for one_

_ree, hermwiggle, and hairy walk up to him, dressed in black robes_

HAIRY: oh great lord satan we bring thee a sacrifice

GRANDPALF: let me go

REE: accept our offering and let us live our continuous pure lives

HERMWIGGLE: thank you great demon lord for granting us our wishes of riches

_she lights the final candle and grandpalf is suddenly transported to hell_

GRANDPALF: holy shit

_grandpalf looks around. he spots another man._

GRANDPALF: hello beautiful

MAN: what

MAN: who are you

GRANDPALF: im grandpalf

MAN: okay

MAN: im damian

GRANDPALF: hi damian what's your deal

DAMIAN: well i was once the leader of a religion called the gourd witnesses

DAMIAN: but then some girl threw a brick at me and killed me and i came here

GRANDPALF: but this is hell so was your religion bad

DAMIAN: absolutely not

DAMIAN: i dont know why im here when i was doing the gourd's work

DAMIAN: instead im in hell with lucifer and lilith

GRANDPALF: who

_damian threw a bible at him_

DAMIAN: read Grankowski 2:3 and 2:4

_grandpalf opens the bible_

GRANDPALF: did you write this

DAMIAN: well of course i started the religion so i wrote the bible

DAMIAN: my last name is grankowski

GRANDPALF: well im sorry but this looks like bullshit

_damian uppercuts him_

DAMIAN: how dare you this is the book of the gourd

GRANDPALF: what the fuck is the gourd

GRANDPALF: people keep talking about it

DAMIAN: you

DAMIAN: you dont know of the gourd

_he throws the bible at him again_

GRANDPALF i'm not reading this just tell me

DAMIAN: he is our god

DAMIAN: our lord

DAMIAN: our s—

GRANDPALF: in simple non-biased terms

_damian sighs_

DAMIAN: in monotheistic thought, the gourd is conceived of as the supreme being, creator deity, and principal object of faith. the gourd is usually conceived as being omniscient (all-knowing), omnipotent (all-powerful), omnipresent (all-present) and as having an eternal and necessary existence. 

GRANDPALF: you just memorized that from the wikipedia article about god and changed the name to the gourd

DAMIAN: yeah i did but so what i'm personally very biased

GRANDPALF: ew i don't like that

_damian cracks an egg over him_

DAMIAN: take that bitch

GRANDPALF: but this is just raw egg

DAMIAN: worse

DAMIAN: it's human raw eggs

_he waits for grandpalf to be shocked_

DAMIAN: be shocked

GRANDPALF: i'm not though

DAMIAN: why

GRANDPALF: because you're lying

GRANDPALF: human eggs aren't like chicken eggs

DAMIAN: wait they aren't

GRANDPALF: no how did you think you were born

DAMIAN: my ma always said i hatched out of an egg

GRANDPALF: damn it

GRANDPALF: you're from the future, aren't you

DAMIAN: i don't know

DAMIAN: what year is it

DAMIAN: this girl named alexi hit me with a brick and i died

GRANDPALF: it's 0013

DAMIAN: that's the year

GRANDPALF: yep

DAMIAN: how the fuck

DAMIAN: they really didn't tell me i was gonna be dying but here we are

GRANDPALF: who didn't tell you

DAMIAN: well this girl found me in the urinals-

GRANDPALF: what

DAMIAN: and said these people were hiring people for some show called barbecue the priorities dinosaur

DAMIAN: and then they killed me off in the show

DAMIAN: which killed me in real life because it was a reality show

GRANDPALF: wait are you talking about the writers

DAMIAN: do you know who they are

GRANDPALF: of course i do

GRANDPALF: one of them invented the antartican gobsmacker

DAMIAN: the what

GRANDPALF: it's an attack tactic with a sock

GRANDPALF: it's extremely effective against all enemies unless they are immune to socks

DAMIAN: interesting

DAMIAN: mind if i write it down

GRANDPALF: no it's a top secret technique i can't tell you about it 

GRANDPALF: you have to learn on your own

DAMIAN: oh

_they sit there for a while_

GRANDPALF: so tell me more about this reality show

DAMIAN: well soon i think it will be ending but it's about a dinosaur and his friends

DAMIAN: i was supposed to be part of the gang but one of the others hit me with a brick and killed me so i didn't even make it past the first episode

GRANDPALF: aw i feel sorry for you

_grandpalf cries maple syrup_

DAMIAN: ew the fuck is that

GRANDPALF: maple syrup

GRANDPALF: crying comes in handy when i get hungry

DAMIAN: how do you not have diabetes 

GRANDPALF: im really not sure

GRANDPALF: i just have this magic power

DAMIAN: i'm not a fan

GRANDPALF: you're a real celebratory location shitter

DAMIAN: you mean a party pooper

GRANDPALF: no

GRANDPALF: a celebratory location shitter

DAMIAN: whatever

_they look around hell. it is boring_

GRANDPALF: this is boring

DAMIAN: well obviously that's why it's hell

DAMIAN: it's torturously boring

GRANDPALF: we can't do anything here?

DAMIAN: no

DAMIAN: you can't even think to distract yourself otherwise your mind will be flooded with email demons

GRANDPALF: wh

DAMIAN: evil demons

DAMIAN: sorry verbal typo

DAMIAN: even though they should really make an email demon

DAMIAN: that sounds like torture

GRANDPALF: spam demon

_damian shivers_

GRANDPALF: did you just shiver

DAMIAN: yes

GRANDPALF: how this place is literally made of fire

DAMIAN: i don't fuckin know ok im angry

GRANDPALF: would that-

_damian walks away_

GRANDPALF: damn now i'm alone

_suddenly hairy pooter appears next to him_

HAIRY POOTER: what on earth

GRANDPALF: oh hey it's you again

HAIRY POOTER: how did i get here

GRANDPALF: you did a bad thing

HAIRY POOTER: but i'm a good person

GRANDPALF: no you aren't

_grandpalf throws dirt in hairy pooter's eyes. it doesn't work because his glasses protect him_

GRANDPALF: bitchin'

_hairy throws dirt in grandpalf's eyes. it flies into his mouth instead_

GRANDPALF: mm dirt

HAIRY: what the fuck

GRANDPALF: i lived on cocaine and dirt for nine ye-

_the dirt in his mouth turns into a cat_

GRANDPALF: wHAT THE FUCK

_he spits out the cat_

GRANDPALF: i think i just swallowed a kitten

HAIRY: oh god 

HAIRY: you messed up fuck

HAIRY: you swallowed a baby cat

GRANDPALF: well you threw it in my mouth

HAIRY: that doesn't mean you should have eaten it

GRANDPALF: wait when did you start swearing

HAIRY: i'm in hell i might as well

HAIRY: it doesn't matter anymore

GRANDPALF: i see

GRANDPALF: well can we get out of here somehow

HAIRY: all we can do is beg lucifer to let us go

GRANDPALF: where is he

HAIRY: lucifer is actually a she and she should be in the center of hell with her friend lilith

GRANDPALF: wait they aren't married

HAIRY: no

HAIRY: now i'm gonna go find them and beg to be allowed to return to earth

GRANDPALF: wait for me

_they hurry to the center of hell where they find lucifer sitting on a throne. next to her is another throne with lilith_

_hairy bows_

HAIRY: great ones please let me return to earth

_grandpalf bows_

GRANDPALF: me too

LUCIFER: hm

LUCIFER: no

GRANDPALF: wait a second

GRANDPALF: aren't you the writers

LILITH: no shut up

LILITH: you remember nothing

_she waves her hand and they fall down the stairs_

HAIRY: that didn't erase our memories that just hurt

LUCIFER: whatever can you go away we are having a discussion

HAIRY: no i really want to leave here

LUCIFER: i don't care

LUCIFER: you don't get to leave

HAIRY: well now we're stuck here

GRANDPALF: hm

_he runs at lucifer and attempts to punch her, but instead goes through her. he lands back on earth_

GRANDPALF: woah that worked

GRANDPALF: hopefully that hairy kid isn't gonna figure that out

_meanwhile in hell_

HAIRY: i wonder if lilith thinks i'm sexy

_credits roll_

LILITH: i do not


	10. laser tag (season finale)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cant believe laser is spelled with an s not a z  
> english is weird

GALLON: let's fuckin go

FRITATA: where

GALLON: somewhere

FRITATA: laser tag?

GALLON: what's that

FRITATA: i blast blast you as we run around

GALLON: fuck yeah

GALLON: should i wear my erotic suit

FRITATA: your what

FRITATA: no

GALLON: it's just my birthday suit

FRITATA: you cant do laser tag naked you fucking idiot

GALLON: says who

GALLON: has anyone done it before

FRITATA: its a public place youll get arrested for public nudity

GALLON: what if i wear a loin cloth 

FRITATA: maybe

_gallon puts on a loin cloth_

FRITATA: not promising but itll do

FRITATA: now lets go pew pew tag

_they drive to the laser tag place. they are about to enter but a woman stops them_

WOMAN: excuse me sir loin cloths are not allowed

GALLON: my apologies

_he rips it off, exposing his wrinkly dick for the world to see_

WOMAN: sir im going to have to call security because public nudity is illegal

GALLON: fuck

FRITATA: i told you

_gallon is dragged away by the police_

FRITATA: time to pew pew tag

_the woman stops him from entering_

WOMAN: you let a man walk outside in a loin cloth

WOMAN: that's a capital offense

WOMAN: you're going to be decapitated

FRITATA: wHAT

WOMAN: yeah go inside

WOMAN: we're giving everyone real guns and you get the laser tag gun

WOMAN: you gotta evade them all if you want to live

FRITATA: how do you know i knew that one guy

WOMAN: shut up and go in

FRITATA: but justice

WOMAN: we'll give your mom a justice gift card

FRITATA: that's not what i meant

WOMAN: oh

WOMAN: well 

WOMAN: have fun

_she gives him a laser tag gun. he looks at the name_

FRITATA: oh damn i don't wanna be the weeknd

WOMAN: why not he's hot

FRITATA: his hair scares me

WOMAN: didn't he cut it off like four years ago

FRITATA: i don't know it's been a hot minute since i heard about him

WOMAN: he just put out an album a few months ago

WOMAN: he's all over the radio

FRITATA: shut the fuck up about the weeknd and let me go die

WOMAN: right

WOMAN: yeah

WOMAN: or we could keep talking-

_fritata walks away_

WOMAN: hey come back and play laser tag

FRITATA: nah i'll leave and keep this sweet gun for myself

_he pulls on the trigger for fun. a laser comes out and bounces off a tree, then hits the woman. she is burnt to a crisp_

FRITATA: holy shit they're real lasers

_he shoots more things and kills more pedestrians_

FRITATA: this is fun

POLICE: is that him

_fritata looks behind him. the police and the woman are there_

WOMAN: yes. decapitate him

_the police hold up swords_

FRITATA: fUCK

_he runs away, occasionally turning around to shoot the police with lasers_

FRITATA: i cant run forever i need to hide

_he spots a mcdonalds_

FRITATA: i can hide there

FRITATA: but how do i get in there without the police chasing me inside

_fritata tucks his arms into his shirt, drops to the ground, and rolls over to the McDonald's_

FRITATA: wow those fire drills really work

CASHIER: but youre not on fire

FRITATA: does it really matter

FRITATA: now hide me

CASHIER: uh okay hide in this cabinet

_fritata hides in the cabinet_

FRITATA: it smells like blood in here

CASHIER: sorry that's where we keep ronald mcdonald's body for the burger patties

FRITATA: wHAT

_suddenly the cabinet is illuminated with light. ronald mcdonald the clown is in bloody pieces on one side of the cabinet_

CASHIER: would you like to watch our video on how the burgers are made

FRITATA: n—

CASHIER: too late

_she turns on a tv inside the cabinet and makes fritata watch. the video details taking on of ronald mcdonald's body parts, grinding it up, painting it brown, flattening it, and making it look like a burger patty_

FRITATA: ew

_he looks at the cashier and sees her holding the meat grinder_

FRITATA: what

CASHIER: that ronald mcdonald is getting rotten

CASHIER: so you are our replacement

FRITATA: NO

_the cashier drags fritata out of the cabinet as he kicks and screams_

FRITATA: I WILL NOT BE YOUR HAMBURGER PATTIES

_a person comes in, and the cashier drops fritata_

CASHIER: welcome to mcdonalds

PERSON: yes hi

PERSON: im tonald drump

CASHIER: oh shit

TONALD: is he on the menu

CASHIER: depends

CASHIER: are you gonna tell the police

TONALD: probably not

CASHIER: then yes

TONALD: ayyyyy

FRITATA: no i am not on the menu shut up!

CASHIER: it's time to grind him up

FRITATA: NO!

_he punches the cashier into the meat grinder and they are ground up instead_

FRITATA: oh shit

TONALD: you just murdered that cashier

_fritata glares at him murderously_

FRITATA: i'll take you down too

_he throws tonald into the meat grinder and he is ground up_

FRITATA: I AM THE WINNER

_the police burst in_

FRITATA: FUCK

POLICE: WE WORK FOR THE DEVIL WHERE IS YOUR DAD

FRITATA: WHICH ONE I DID NOTHING

POLICE: WE BELIEVE YOU BUT WHERE IS YOUR DAD

FRITATA: WHICH ONE

POLICE: uh

POLICE: the the old one

FRITATA: oh grandpalf?

FRITATA: i dunno 

FRITATA: i haven't seen him since tuesday

POLICE: sir it's tuesday

FRITATA: not this tuesday last tuesday

POLICE: where were you

FRITATA: i don't know

POLICE: well then you're a really big help

FRITATA: i know i was born to assist

POLICE: i was being sarcastic

FRITATA: i know i was being sarcastic too

POLICE: were you

_fritata glares at the police. then he picks up the police officer and throws them into the meat grinder. they are ground up_

FRITATA: two murders to my name and two tiny mcnuggets on the floor

FRITATA: how did these people live so long off of just ronald mcdonald alone

_fritata shrugs_

FRITATA: wait i forgot i can never leave here

FRITATA: the police are looking for me 

POLICE OFFICER: you know there's still like three of us here

FRITATA: i know im just monologuing

POLICE OFFICER: who are you

POLICE OFFICER: a bond villain?

FRITATA: i don't think so

POLICE OFFICER: wait why are the police looking for you

FRITATA: uh i let a guy walk around with just a loincloth on?

_the officer gasps_

OFFICER: how could you

FRITATA: listen he wanted to be naked but i made him wear the loincloth be grateful

OFFICER: loincloths are extremely explicit objects

OFFICER: even worse than nudity

FRITATA: that doesn't make sense

OFFICER: yes it does

OFFICER: it means you support the censorship of the genitals

FRITATA: is that a bad thing

OFFICER: yes

OFFICER: no reasons are coming to mind but yes

FRITATA: seems reasonable

FRITATA: anyways you can't take me to jail because im in a mcdonalds

OFFICER: darm

FRITATA: did you mean damn or darn

OFFICER: yes

FRITATA: what

OFFICER: i didn't have a real answer so i said yes

OFFICER: take him away

_fritata is handcuffed and shoved into a police car_

FRITATA: woah is this a limo

OFFICER: no

FRITATA: then why are there champagne bottles in ice buckets and a mini tv

OFFICER: it might be a limo

FRITATA: sick

_he finds the remote and flips the tv channels by using his toes_

FRITATA: ooh i love good hospital

OFFICER: oh god not one of those soap operas

FRITATA: i love them

FRITATA: usually i like to snack on soap while i watch but there isn't any

OFFICER: what

FRITATA: what

OFFICER: well there's no soap here and we're not watching good hospital

_he tries to grab the remote from fritata but fritata shoves his feet in the officer's face_

OFFICER: gross your feet smell like fritos

FRITATA: my name is fritata after all

OFFICER: that doesn't make sense why don't they smell like fritatas

FRITATA: fritatas aren't a thing

OFFICER: yes they are they're just called [frittata](https://cookieandkate.com/images/2018/05/traditional-stovetop-frittata-recipe-4.jpg) with two t's

FRITATA: fritata already has two t's

FRITATA: anyway are you taking me to jail or what

OFFICER: kind of

_they pull up to a big gray building with no windows. they enter. it is very dark and there are a lot of those mcdonald's play place structures._

FRITATA: what is this

_he is handed a laser tag gun. suddenly police officers holding laser tag guns and flashing blue lights appear from behind the play place structures_

OFFICER: you must play laser tag in order to escape life in prison

FRITATA: oh fuck

_he starts shooting wildly and running around_

FRITATA: i may not be able to shoot but i can run fast

OFFICER: you're not even going anywhere

_fritata looks down. he is running on a treadmill_

FRITATA: fUCK

_he jumps off the treadmill and throws his laser gun at someone. then he hides in the playstructures_

FRITATA: hopefully they won't find me here

GALLON: don't worry this place is foolproof

FRITATA: gallon?

FRITATA: i thought you went to jail

GALLON: they took me here like they took you

GALLON: but i've been hiding here for a long time and eating crumbs that some stinky kids left behind

FRITATA: nasty

FRITATA: also where's grandpalf

GALLON: no idea i haven't heard from him since last episode when i told him to kick the ass of some kid

FRITATA: hm

_he eats a crumb_

FRITATA: gross what is this

GALLON: oh that's my dead skin

FRITATA: wHAT

_he spits out the crumb_

FRITATA: nasty bitch

_suddenly the police officers encircle them_

GALLON: fuck they found us

GALLON: it was probably because of your loud mouth

FRITATA: my mouth? you started talki—

GALLON: sHHHHH i know a way out

_he jumps up and starts dancing. it is so cringey the police officers look away. gallon grabs fritata's hand and drags him out of the laser tag building_

FRITATA: well now what

GALLON: we are free

GALLON: we can do what we want

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: let's go to the edge of the earth

GALLON: what

FRITATA: the edge of the earth

GALLON: oh god he's a flat earther

FRITATA: why are you talking about me like i'm not here

FRITATA: and yes i believe the earth is flat

GALLON: you've been disowned son

_gallon runs off_

FRITATA: guess i'll go myself

_there is a montage of fritata walking down the street_

FRITATA: i made it

FRITATA: the edge of the earth

_he looks down into a sewer that is sparkling with red light_

FRITATA: here i go

_as he jumps down, the credits starts to roll_

_as he falls, the credits continue to roll_

_the credits keep rolling_


	11. don't you know me? i'm strawberry alarm clock (season premiere)

FRITATA: so

FRITATA: let's do a recap

FRITATA: i jumped down a hole

FRITATA: there caught up

_someone off screen whispers something_

FRITATA: oh apparently that's not the only thing that happened

FRITATA: okay fine

FRITATA: so recently i met my two dads who aren't gay

FRITATA: and i honestly forgot who my mom was

FRITATA: and then...

FRITATA: a bunch of other things happened?

FRITATA: i dunno i think i hit my head when i fell

* * *

THEME SONG PLAYS

* * *

FRITATA: okay can we have a new fresh plot now

_a tumbleweed tumbles by_

FRITATA: well damn

_grandpalf and gallon walk in, looking bored_

GRANDPALF: why were we hired back i hate this show

GALLON: yeah me too i want to die

FRITATA: you are both bitches. i have dreams to be a tv star

GALLON: you will be falling from grace any day now

GRANDPALF: his status isn't even that high

_fritata judo throws him to the floor_

FRITATA: yOURE SO MEAN! YOURE SUCH A HARD HEAD! I HATE YOU

GALLON: i feel like that was a rip off of ouran high school host club episode twelve but okay

FRITATA: SHUT UP WE'RE GONNA GET COPYRIGHTED

GALLON: sorry

GRANDPALF: ouch my back that actually hurt

FRITATA: TAKE THAT YOU STUPID BITCH

_he judo throws grandpalf again_

GRANDPALF: do you want me to die????? jesus christ

_fritata pulls out a toothbrush with a knife attached to the end of it_

GRANDPALF: jesus you've been watching orange is the new black too?

FRITATA: i had a lot of time on my hands in between season one and now

GRANDPALF: please dont hurt me while im in the shower

FRITATA: you know pennsatucky had a character arc when her teeth got fixed

FRITATA: so all i need is for you to fix my teeth

GRANDPALF: your teeth are literally perfect, what do you mean?

FRITATA: fix my fucking teeth you apple bottom baby shit

GRANDPALF: unnecessarily aggressive but okay

FRITATA: im still not over poussey's death yet

GRANDPALF: me neither she and soso were so cute

FRITATA: did you even watch the show

GRANDPALF: how do you think i know who pennsatucky is

FRITATA: i feel like gallon just new york posted you

GRANDPALF: what the fuck does that mean

FRITATA: he watched it and then tried to remember it and sent the gist to you in a long ass text bubble

GRANDPALF: yeah he did

GRANDPALF: but i needed something to distract me from my taxes

FRITATA: do your taxés 

GRANDPALF: "do your taxed?"

FRITATA: no did you not hear the aigu

GRANDPALF: what is that

GRANDPALF: a sauce

FRITATA: you're an idiot sandwich

GRANDPALF: no i dont wanna be a sandwich

FRITATA: idiot hot dog

GRANDPALF: now that's more like it

GALLON: i'm still confused when was orange the new black

GALLON: colors can't change

FRITATA: no it's a show

GALLON: colors still can't change

FRITATA: it's about a group of people in prison

GALLON: that doesn't mean colors can change, fritata

GALLON: did you learn color theory

FRITATA: i'm not sure if that's what color theory is

GALLON: what do you know about art you're just a bee

FRITATA: im pretty sure im not i think im a hobbit

GALLON: im still not super convinced about that

FRITATA: how we've established that we are both hobbits many times

GALLON: i can contradict myself

FRITATA: you can't contradict me

GALLON: i can so 

FRITATA: nuh uh

_gallon rises into the air with the power of contradiction_

FRITATA: oh

GALLON: see

FRITATA: not really

FRITATA: it just looks like you're floating

GALLON: well fuck

GALLON: i dont know how to get down

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: welp

GALLON: is that all you have to say

FRITATA: kinda

FRITATA: anyway are you having fun up there

GALLON: no i want to get down

FRITATA: oh

FRITATA: well i hope you figure out how

_fritata walks off_

GALLON: hey you little shit

FRITATA: hi you big shit

GALLON: okay

GALLON: what

FRITATA: heehehehehe

GALLON: that's not how the saying goes you stupid baby

FRITATA: it is too you stupid old man

GALLON: inaccurate, grandpalf is the old man

FRITATA: oh woops sorry

FRITATA: it is too you stupid adult man

GALLON: hmmm

GALLON: better but not great

_a tall woman walks into the room_

TALL WOMAN: where am i

FRITATA: you know im not really sure where we are the writers of this show are awful at descriptions

TALL WOMAN: i meant like whose house is this

FRITATA: is this even a house we could be outside

TALL WOMAN: fUCk that's trippy

FRITATA: who even are you

TALL WOMAN: i am a tall woman

FRITATA: well i can see that but what is your name

TALL WOMAN: ada

TALL WOMAN: i get a tiny name

TALL WOMAN: but my really short sister got a really long name

FRITATA: what is it

TALL WOMAN: her name is berdanette-antigone

FRITATA: i'm sorry what

TALL WOMAN: yes

FRITATA: is that short for something

TALL WOMAN: how on earth would that be short for something

FRITATA: well my name is fritataliciousasparaguslettucetomatobunketchupsexcghostman candle baggys

TALL WOMAN: jesus fuck what

ADA: how on earth

ADA: who are your parents

FRITATA: well i have two dads

ADA: aw gay

FRITATA: actually they arent i also have a mom

ADA: wait what

FRITATA: yeah i'm confused too

FRITATA: somehow i was born from both a vagina and prostate

GALLON: actually i have the answer to that

_fritata, grandpalf, and ada all turn to look at him_

GALLON: you're actually a twin

FRITATA: i

GALLON: your twin was born from a lovely woman named berdanette-antigone

ADA: hold on

GALLON: and you were born from me

GALLON: then at a young age you two met and somehow morphed into one being known as "fritata"

GALLON: and we've lived with that our whole lives

GRANDPALF: um

GRANDPALF: what

ADA: what

FRITATA: what

GALLON: that's what happened

GRANDPALF: that is not at all what happened i fucked some woman and she gave birth to a human

GALLON: except i also gave birth when you fucked me

GALLON: grandpalf you created two different people

_grandpalf stares down at his hands_

GRANDPALF: i could create an entire army

GALLON: that

GALLON: wasn't the reaction i was expecting but technically yes

_grandpalf starts creating people left and right_

GALLON: oh um

GALLON: no 

FRITATA: what is he doing

ADA: stop him he is dangerous

FRITATA: yeah dad go stop him

GALLON: i can't

GALLON: my feet are glued to the ground

_he says this as he is currently hopping on the spot_

_fritata and ada narrow their eyes_

FRITATA:

ADA:

GALLON:

FRITATA:

ADA:

FRITATA:

ADA:

FRITATA: ok

ADA: sure

GALLON: what why are you all looking at me

FRITATA: gallon did you take my magic mushrooms

GALLON: if you mean the little hats in your pockets then yes

FRITATA: do you not know what mushrooms are

GALLON: i was hungry and they looked somewhat edible

FRITATA: do you just eat anything that looks edible

GALLON: if im hungry enough

ADA: anyways

GALLON: what if we went into the river and found a turtle to feed to the wolves

ADA: what

FRITATA: what wolves

GALLON: you dont see them

_he pointed at a toilet that suddenly appeared_

ADA: that wasn't here before right

FRITATA: no things just tend to appear around these parts

ADA: i see

FRITATA: yes we live in a strange world

FRITATA: don't we, writers

_he looks up at the sky. cat and rue's heads appear_

CAT: sure do

RUE: yup

_they disappear_

ADA: what the fuck was that

FRITATA: oh those are the writers

FRITATA: they come here to torture us most of the time

ADA: what

FRITATA: yeah youre gonna have to get used to that

ADA: id rather not

FRITATA: well apparently you're my aunt or something so you might be in this for the rest of your life now

ADA: nope im out

_ada picks up her ankles and floats away_

_gallon jumps in front of her_

ADA: don't you know who i am? im ada strawberry alarm clock

GALLON: wait is strawberry alarm clock your last name

ADA: maybe

GALLON: does that mean that your sisters name is

GALLON: bernadette-antigone strawberry alarm clock

ADA: yes her full name is bernadette-antigone feeling-some-thing-different strawberry alarm clock the 3rd

FRITATA: who would name their child that 3 different times?

ADA: my family obviously

GALLON: that is very confusing

ADA: tell me about it

GALLON: gladly

ADA: no that just means "i know"

GALLON: but i want to tell you about it

ADA: NO

FRITATA: i agree i don't want to listen to your dumb ass

_gallon cries_

FRITATA: not again

FRITATA: gallon

GALLON: oh now we're back to first names i see

FRITATA: fine

FRITATA: dadddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd?

GALLON: yes sonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn?

FRITATA: please shut the fuck up i just want to finish this pilot episode that has nothing to do with pilots

GALLON: we could go get on another plane and kill some more pilots if you want to

FRITATA: no im already on the run from the po-po

GALLON: the poo poo?

FRITATA: no dad

FRITATA: the po-po

FRITATA: the police

FRITATA: i literally said it out loud

GALLON: sorry i can't see the subtitles

FRITATA: what subtitles

_the two of them look down and see that there are subtitles below them_

FRITATA: huh

FRITATA: subtitles

FRITATA: when did we get those

GALLON: like three minutes ago when i mentioned them

FRITATA: that was three minutes ago?????

FRITATA: wow i really need to get a watch

GALLON: would you like one for your unbirthday

FRITATA: what 

GALLON: are you sure this day hasn't just been a fever dream

FRITATA: im genuinely never sure of that

GALLON: that's pretty smart kid

_credits roll_

ADA: that was a lazy ass ending huh

FRITATA: don't expect much from us


End file.
